Everyone must be very familiar with the Hedgehog Law. People often hear the fables of hedgehogs. If you get too close, the thorns on your body will hurt each other again. If you get too far away, you can’t stand the cold. This story applies to the relationship between husband and wife, friends, and colleagues in life. We will work hard to adjust the distance, run in with each other, and achieve an optimal state. However, we will still find that some couples have been working together for a lifetime, and they are still noisy and conflicted. Some friends have been together for a lifetime, and they are still difficult to get along with, so embarrassing. What is it that affects interpersonal relationships? In fact, this discomfort and embarrassment is all because we have “crossed the line”.
Babies from 0 to 7 months old cannot distinguish between self and the outside world. In this period, we have no sense of boundary. We will feel that the world is me and I am the world. Self and external objects are mixed together, and mother and child are in a state of fusion and symbiosis. , My mother is me, I am a mother, there is no boundary between mother and child. But as the child grows up, it begins to differentiate. The mother and the child gradually differentiate into two independent individuals, the mother and the child. When they grow up, there is separation, a psychological space, respect and freedom, and personal privacy. There are boundaries between mother and child, including physical boundaries and psychological boundaries. Therefore, in order to truly solve the problem of interpersonal distance, there must be a fixed rule to do something and not do something. This is the boundary. Only with boundaries can a long-term and pleasant relationship be established.
However, in real life, we can see many “cross-boundary” behaviors. I simply sorted out and listed the following:
The essence of the controller is the “ancient self”, psychologically there are still primitive exaggerated parts, just like a baby staying in a mother’s womb, capable of omnipotence, in fact, a person who has no sense of boundaries. They like to treat their family, friends, and subordinates as part or tools of themselves, use others like their own hands and feet, and hope to use them easily. Always do everything possible to deny other people’s ability, hit the other person’s autonomy, make him lose himself, obediently obey control.
These people have no awareness of “rules” since they were young, and they will not have the concept of boundaries. They will break into other people’s private realm and violate other people’s psychological space. The specific manifestations in daily life mainly include: often wearing pajamas to meet guests at home, using other people’s toothbrushes when going to other people’s homes, entering other people’s bedrooms casually, looking through other people’s drawers, reading other people’s diaries, checking other people’s phone records, When going out, the clothes are too revealing, borrowing other people’s clothes to wear, etc. These manifestations are still in a state of oneness of mother and child similar to infancy: yours is mine, and mine is yours.
The core characteristic of a savior is to treat others’ affairs as his own, to be overzealous, to interfere excessively with others’ affairs, and to treat others as his own responsibility and obligation. They tend to show the image of a “good man” as the savior, and they tend to make themselves very hard, even miserable. Beside a saving mother, there must be dependent children. Many mothers have not changed this behavior pattern as their children grow up. They continue to care for the child in every possible way, do everything for him, and intervene in his study, work, life, making friends, dating, and marriage.
Give responsibility to others and ask others to be responsible for themselves. The children we see more often are those children who stretch out their clothes and open their mouths when they eat. Even in college, they will say that their mother’s dishes are not delicious and the clothes they bought are not beautiful, and they blame their parents. There is an extreme example. It was reported on the Internet that a man who was 49 years old could not find his wife, so he killed his biological father. “Dependents” depended on their parents or siblings when they were young, and depended on their spouse after they got married, or continued to depend on their parents or even the other’s parents at the same time.
Obtain recognition, praise, and respect from others through flattering methods. In fact, it is a manifestation of unclear interpersonal boundaries and a betrayal of oneself. In order to figure out other people’s thoughts, understand their interests, cater to other people’s psychology, do something that can make the other person happy. For example, in order to get the care of their parents and allow themselves to be loved and praised, children naturally cater to their parents and please them. A person who is accustomed to flattering must be a person who has suppressed his true self for a long time, and is internally divided and painful.
Good interpersonal relationships come from clear boundaries, nourishment, health, and happiness in the relationship; bad relationships generally involve problems with the boundary, which will not only destroy the relationship, but also make life miserable.