Interpersonal relationship is a very complex problem in psychological counseling. There are complex psychological causes behind every bad interpersonal relationship. Today I will use an article to answer this question.
1. Ask the mirror, does the self in the mirror like you?
First of all, I want to use a metaphor to explain this problem. Every one of us looks in the mirror when we get up in the morning. You look at yourself in the mirror, and you ask yourself, do you like me? Ask the you in the mirror, do you like me? You can ask this question several times in a row. You can ask him, do you like me? do you like me? do you like me? Then you will have an answer for yourself: Does the self in the mirror like you, despise you, hate you, or feel that you are shortcomings?
Second, the magic mirror of Snow White’s stepmother
Speaking of this, many friends may think of a very old fairy tale, the fairy tale about Snow White and her stepmother. Snow White’s stepmother was originally a very beautiful woman. She had a magic mirror. She asked this magic mirror every day, Mirror magic mirror, who is the most beautiful woman in the world? At the beginning, the mirror replied, “You are the most beautiful woman in the world.” So her stepmother was very happy, but one day the mirror replied, “You are not the most beautiful woman in the world, Snow White is the most beautiful woman in the world.” So the stepmother began to feel jealous, and she was going to kill Snow White. So from the detailed analysis of this fairy tale, why do you think the stepmother believes what the mirror tells her so much? Why is she happy because the mirror says she is beautiful? And the mirror said she was not beautiful enough to become such a crazy and vicious woman?
3. Mirror self-identity
This brings out a very important concept in our psychology, which is called the self-identity of mirror image. We all build up a sense of self-image through mirrored self-identification. If a person feels that others do not like me, and others dislike me, as if others are not worthy of trust, then this person will definitely feel that when looking in the mirror The self in the mirror doesn’t like me either, the self in the mirror also dislikes me, and the self in the mirror sees me as a shortcoming, it doesn’t like me. Just like the stepmother was asking the magic mirror, who was the most beautiful woman in the world, and the magic mirror revealed the truth, the stepmother suddenly had a nervous breakdown.
So here is the essence: if we often feel that others will dislike us, others are not worthy of trust, others will hate us, that is our self-identification in the mirror, we feel the self in the mirror, in the mirror The image of, it does not like us. We often say that we should use people as mirrors, which means that others are actually our mirrors. The feeling that other people give us, the us in the eyes of others, the vision of others in us, all are the images in the mirror we see. If you are in front of the mirror, you feel the image in the mirror. If you don’t like you, then you will feel that others don’t like you in front of anyone, because others are your mirror.
3. People are narcissistic animals
Human beings are narcissistic animals, and human narcissism begins at one and a half years old. So how is the self-identity of this mirror image established?
We are narcissistic animals, so we invented the mirror, only people like to look in the mirror, you hold a kitten or puppy, you get a small animal, you put it in front of the mirror, it is not interested. Only people are very interested in mirrors. Moreover, some psychological research has found that through secret tracking and shooting, they find that men love to look in the mirror more than women, but women will look in the mirror in public, while men will not be seen by others. Look in the mirror wherever you go, so people are narcissistic. We people have built a mirrored self-identity from the mirror since we were young:
Psychologist Hart discovered that a baby from one to two years old, at this age, he begins to realize that the person in the mirror is himself, and before one year old, a baby may be indifferent when he sees the mirror. Or he will pat the mirror, but he will think that the child in the mirror is another child, not me. There is an experiment like this: paint a little red ink on the child’s nose, put the child in front of the mirror, and then the child will touch his nose when he sees the mirror, which means he knows the one in the mirror. The person is me. There is a drop of red ink on my nose. From the time I was one and a half years old, the child knew who I was, and he established the concept of self.
4. “Negative evaluation” makes me dislike me in the mirror
So, you can imagine that when we are babies, we recognize ourselves in the mirror for the first time. At this time, we will definitely not say that the child in the mirror does not like me. The child in the mirror hates me and dislikes me. I don’t trust me enough, we won’t have such a concept. We just saw it. Seeing the person in the mirror, he has red ink, and what he looks like, whether he is white or fat, and we don’t even have the concept of beauty or ugliness. So how do we slowly feel that the person in the mirror doesn’t like us enough?
That is some negative comments from others. If a person is growing up, his parents, teachers and other elders or his companions often give him some negative comments, for example, you don’t look good, your skin is very dark, and your hair How sparse, how short you are, this is an evaluation of your body, and slowly, your academic performance is really poor, your memory is not good, you are not learning mathematics, you can’t get along with this classmate. , You see, none of these kids like you, wait for some words like this. Maybe we have all heard it. From parents, teachers, and classmates, we have heard positive comments, and we have also heard negative comments, but if there are too many negative comments, especially in the early years of a child, For example, if he came from an elder before he was seven years old, and the negative comments from the authority are particularly high, the child will gradually have some doubts about his self-image.
When the child really thinks about this question: for example, am I really stupid? Am I really ugly? I am really as they say, black and thin, not enough to attract people? When the child thinks about this concept, he will look in the mirror again. Then, these other people’s evaluations will gradually become illusions in the mirror. When he sees the person in the mirror, he will feel that this person is dark and ugly. , I don’t like this person. I don’t like this person. When he starts to say that he doesn’t like him, he actually agrees with others’ negative evaluations of him, and he completely projects other people’s negative evaluations of him. Mirror in the mirror. This is the first reaction that a child will have when he encounters a negative evaluation.
Therefore, negative reviews make us feel that the person in the mirror does not like us. After so long, you think about telling yourself “I’m not good” and “I’m not good” every day. It’s so uncomfortable. People have an instinct to seek advantages and avoid disadvantages. We don’t want to think that we are bad every day, we are stupid here and bad, and when we condemn ourselves in this way, we will live a very painful life. So we will use a very reasonable defense mechanism, and this defense mechanism is called rationalization. We will slowly turn our dislike of the person in the mirror into the person in the mirror who doesn’t like me enough, but this Concepts are not concepts in our conscious level. We generally don’t realize it. In the subconscious, we gradually feel that the person in the mirror doesn’t like me. Although I like looking in the mirror and I like to appreciate myself, I always feel that the person in the mirror doesn’t like me. I noticed that this happened in our subconscious. Then when we look at others, they are our mirrors.
We begin to think that others are treated as mirrors, and that they don’t like me. We will gradually feel that others don’t like me enough. Pay attention, when we say this, we regard others as the self in the mirror image. He doesn’t like me enough. But, noticed that, in fact, this logic is the same as when we heard other people’s negative comments on us in our early years. Because other people didn’t like me, I began to slowly dislike myself and I didn’t like mirrors. The self in my subconscious, and then slowly becomes the self in the mirror. I don’t like myself, and this concept of dislike me is always with us. It’s in our subconscious, our self-image seems to never be So good, not so sunny, not so beautiful. After that, all the people we see, we will have a kind of projection, we will project the evaluation of me in the mirror image into everyone’s evaluation of me.
5. Self-identity must be established: ask your mirror
To solve this problem, we must establish a self-image identity, which is simply to complete the work of self-acceptance. We have all heard a lot about the word self-acceptance. Success studies and spiritual chicken soup all talk about self-acceptance, but what does self-acceptance mean? The easiest way is what I told you at the beginning, you go back and look in the mirror yourself, you look at the self in the mirror, and then you ask it, just like a stepmother asks a mirror, mirror ah mirror, tell me you like me ?
You will definitely hear the truest answer from the self in the mirror. You have to do this work many times, until you hear the self in the mirror say: Although you are not the most beautiful, although you are not the smartest, you do things There are still many shortcomings, but you are still very cute, you are unique, and I like you. When you hear yourself in the mirror answering you in this way, then your self-identification and self-acceptance work is complete, but you need to do a lot of work in this process, and you need to be more self-aware .
6. How to do self-awareness
Self-awareness, the most important, the first is to be aware of our own emotions: Which emotions do I dislike, and which emotions I often have when I get along with others? Do I often condemn myself, or I don’t like myself, or I hate myself, I don’t trust myself enough, I don’t think I can do it in the future?
Second, be aware of the source of emotions: which emotions are given to me by myself and which emotions are given to me by others. The comments and feedback of others really convey that I am not good, that others are disgusting me or others are not worth Trust? Or are these emotions that I have always had, whether I am alone or when I am with people, I don’t like that these emotions are always with me, or others are just acting as a mirror to take this emotion Enlarged, making this emotion more specific.
In the end of our psychological counseling work, we must complete self-identification and self-acceptance. This work is very long. If we use other methods, through self-awareness, read books by ourselves, or through some other methods we have, For example, some people believe in Buddhism and have some beliefs. Through this kind of work, to complete self-identification and self-acceptance, then they must be prepared. This is a lifetime practice.