August 03, 2021

A relationship without a sense of boundaries, life is so tiring

01

Treat vagueness as intimacy, and equate boundaries with inhumanity

“When others ask me for help, I will never refuse. I am worried that he will be angry? Will he dislike me? … Even if I want to refuse, I can’t help but agree in the end. I am annoyed afterwards and I am really tired… ”

This is a confession to me by a girlfriend before, but this situation is not uncommon:

At work, if you don’t want to do anything, throw it at you and you won’t refuse



In love, do your best to think of the other side, but he still doesn’t cherish you

Never have the heart to refuse the request of a good friend, and I need help but cannot speak

Parental control, blame, and emotions can always make you powerless to collapse

These are actually manifestations of the unclear boundaries of Chinese-style relations. There is me in you, and you in me. Treat fuzzy as intimacy and kindness, and equate boundaries with unfriendliness and unkindness. This kind of intimacy without boundaries makes you extremely tired.

02

It’s hard for you to reject others, too easy to reject yourself

Rejecting others is not allowed since childhood. If you dare to say no to your parents or teachers, you are likely to usher in an unforgettable education. Only good children are the obedient and sensible. When we grow up, we naturally learn to use “obedient” to integrate into the human society smoothly.



Therefore, whether in front of colleagues’ excessive demands or family members’ attempts to control, we always choose to ignore our own feelings and make others satisfied. Even subconsciously feel that “caring about yourself” is a selfish thing, producing strong guilt and self-blame. Rejecting others is more uncomfortable than insomnia.

I also always feel that I am “not good enough” and lack self-affirmation, so I especially need to ask for it from others to make up for it. I’m always afraid of not being good enough in the eyes of the other person, and afraid of disappointing others. I think that by constantly compromising and sacrificing boundaries, we can exchange for a good relationship. Naturally, there are no boundaries at all.

03

Boundaries are held up by emotions, and the relationship breaks down

In different relationships, the performance of unclear boundaries is not the same, but they all have the same emotions behind them, that is, feelings of guilt, guilt, fear, and fear of being angry at others. If you are prone to these emotions, then it indicates that you may have ambiguities.

What’s more noteworthy is that these emotions will feed themselves. If left unattended, they will become bigger and bigger like a snowball. Being trapped in such emotions will eventually lead to a breakdown in the relationship due to unclear boundaries:

If the boundary between a husband and mother is not clear, he will not be able to coordinate the relationship between mother and wife, and family harmony will not be achieved no matter which side he prefers;

The boundary between a pair of lovers is not clear, compromise and concession are not the solution, it will only make the relationship worse and worse, or the cold war, or the unbearable quarrel and the end of a breakup;



The unclear boundaries between friends will make you live for a long time in internal consumption. Associating with people becomes a lot of pressure for you. Either you start to avoid interpersonal relationships, or eventually erupt and cause tension in the relationship.

Being able to recognize and handle boundaries well is a sign of a person’s maturity. Otherwise, you will be tired, wronged, annoyed in a relationship with unclear boundaries, and eventually lose yourself.