September 18, 2021

Not dare to refuse others is also a psychological barrier

01

About rejection

Rejection is a difficult problem, and people often hesitate in the face of this difficult problem. If you refuse, you will worry about hurting the relationship; but if you don’t refuse, you will become more and more tired, overwhelmed, and finally resentful. What will happen to one less friend, in fact, it won’t be so, because without this friend there will be other friends, and without this relationship, there will be other relationships. Time and space are always in that place. As long as you want, someone will always fill it.

But rejection is a difficult problem for many people. The difficulty lies in that the meaning we give to rejection is not just rejection itself. What we feel is not rejecting one person or one thing; but rejecting a love. There is very little love in my heart. If you push away the love you might get, what a terrible thing. Therefore, the most embarrassing thing is that the experience of being neglected and unloved in the early years, and the physical and mental feelings at the moment of rejecting others, are experienced by myself again through the way of projection; on the other hand, I am experienced early in reality. Just because I can’t refuse to get tired physically and mentally. Anxiety arises from this, and the process of hesitation begins.

I remember reading Jack London’s novel “Longing for Survival” in high school. After reading it, I felt hungry for a few days. It can be seen that people who have survived under the harsh living environment, no matter how much food is placed in front of him, he is still unforgettable and unforgettable. After the wolves fight and survive, he still has to hoard food in a well-fed life; it is equivalent to experience it, and he will know how great the anxiety that needs to be overcome at the moment of refusal is for a person who lacked care in his early years. That is the only thing in your feelings that cannot be lost.



02

Not dare to refuse others is also a psychological barrier

I believe that many people have encountered this situation. Some people ask us for help. Even if we are very reluctant, we will not say “no” because of our emotions. But did you know that being afraid to reject others is also a psychological barrier. How to reject friends without affecting friendship?

If you refuse your friends, you must talk about art. Tell the other party your reasons, and tell your friends about your difficulties and difficulties sincerely and clearly. When you refuse, be clear and straightforward. Don’t linger, hesitate, and don’t be ambiguous or oblivious.

Lao Zhang is an “good old man.” He always helps with enthusiasm and never says “no” to anyone who is in a hurry. But recently, he was struggling with one thing: when relatives from the countryside went to the city to do business and lacked money, Lao Zhang helped him get a loan from the bank. But the relative’s business was not done well, and the bank loan could not be repaid in time. He went to his relatives during the day to beg for money and didn’t ask for money, and he had to complain from his wife when he came back at night.

Qiangqiang is a triple good student with excellent character and academics. The feeling of standing out from the crowd makes him feel honored and isolated. Once, a classmate in the class took the initiative to get close to him, saying that it was to let him know. First, he took him to the Internet cafe, to the restaurant, and later to the Yucheng to receive a massage of the opposite sex. Although he was very reluctant at first, he accepted it because of his emotions. Over and over again, a three-year-old student has turned into a devil who eats, drinks and has fun.

Due to his love, he would not say “no”, leaving Lao Zhang in infinite embarrassment, and Qiangqiang went astray. However, there are still many people in the world who can’t help themselves at critical moments. They don’t know or can’t say “no”. This is a misunderstanding in interpersonal communication.



“Yes” and “No” are two views that express positive and negative views. The ancient Greek philosopher Vadagolas said: Saying the shortest and oldest word, “good” or “no”, requires the most careful consideration. When you think this matter is inappropriate after serious consideration, you may as well say “no” openly. Otherwise, you will fall into a passive situation, which will be detrimental to others and yourself.

Psychologists believe that they will not say “no”. This is a manifestation of psychological fragility in interpersonal communication. These people have psychological barriers in rejecting others. They worry that rejecting their friends will hurt each other and lose their friendship. Therefore, always wrong oneself and fulfill others. This puts unnecessary pressure on their psychology, and severe cases can also develop into mental illness.

03

So, how to reject friends without affecting the friendship?

The first is to adjust the mentality. Many people are embarrassed to reject others because of their own personality and mentality. They thought they rejected their friends this time, and they wouldn’t be able to speak to their friends next time they had something. At the same time, they care too much about others’ evaluations of themselves, and they always want to leave a good impression on their friends. In fact, true friendship will not be broken just because of your rejection. So you have to adjust your mentality and refuse if you refuse. You must know that true friends are honest with each other and will never be overwhelmed by others. Therefore, such worries and worries are unnecessary.

If you refuse your friends, you must talk about art. Tell the other party your reasons, and tell your friends about your difficulties and difficulties sincerely and clearly. When you refuse, be clear and straightforward. Don’t linger, hesitate, and don’t be ambiguous or oblivious. Don’t use words that make the other person hold a glimmer of hope, such as “let me try”, “I will think of a way” and so on. Otherwise, the other party will mistakenly think that you have promised, and mistaken things instead. In short, refuse to be decisive, clear, and avoid unnecessary misunderstandings. Also pay attention to the tone of speech must be euphemistic and clever.

Learning to refuse can reduce a lot of psychological pressure and gain the initiative in interpersonal communication. This will not only allow you to enjoy the warmth of friendship, but not lose your position on issues of right and wrong.

04



Sometimes rejection is also a kind of love

Do you know what method you can use to make your child an unfortunate person? This method is to be obedient to him. –French Enlightenment thinker Rousseau

“When a child is crying and asking for something, what should I do, should I give it or not?” A mother consulted a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist smiled and gave her a passage from Rousseau, a famous French educator: “When a child is crying and asking for something, whether he wants to get that thing faster, or to make others afraid not to give it, he should Simply reject it. If you give him something as soon as you see him crying, you are encouraging him to cry. You are teaching him to doubt your kindness, and you think that hard demands on you are more effective than gentle requests.”

The psychiatrist also said to the mother: “The child’s desire is endless. One day, you will reject him. And the rejection at this time will be a much harder blow to the child than the rejection at the time. When the child indulges. When his desire is finally rejected, the mild one will cause the child’s anxiety, fear, irritability, and grief and despair. He will feel that no one in the world can get along with him. In severe cases, it will also cause the child to commit suicide.”

There must be principles in loving children. Blindly accommodating children is not true love, but harm. In that way, the child will think that he can dominate everything, so he can do whatever he wants. It is completely self-centered, selfish, does not understand others, and does not know how to cooperate with others. Related surveys also show that children who grow up in spoiling tend to have defects in their personality and weak resistance to frustration. Once they are left out, they will become desperate, negative, and depressed, and will do whatever they can if they fail to meet the requirements.

To avoid this problem, it is important to learn to reject children. In other words, unreasonable demands of the child must be rejected. However, rejection requires art. The following methods are for parents’ reference:

You must refuse when you should refuse

Facing the child’s request, say “no” when it is time to say “no”. As long as the child’s request is unreasonable, don’t hesitate to refuse it decisively, and nothing will change. Appropriately rejecting children, as long as the method is right, is very good for the growth of children. Rejection allows children to understand many truths in life and develop good habit of reasoning from an early age. At the same time, it can effectively establish the prestige of parents and form educational rules.

Calmly say “no” to the child

When a child is rejected, it is usually a killer feature of crying. Your child’s crying may make you feel uneasy and wobbly. At this time, you must not be anxious, but be calm. Express your feelings in a calm tone, and make your refusal appear reasonable, at least it sounds like that. As long as your attitude is sincere and firm, and your refusal is reasonable and reasonable, your child will slowly calm down and stop making unreasonable troubles.

Tell your child the reason for rejection

Children also have self-esteem, and an appropriate explanation should be given after rejecting the child. This not only allows children to feel the respect from their parents, but also helps to create a democratic and harmonious atmosphere in the family, and children are more likely to accept rejection. Two points should be paid attention to when explaining: one is to be simple and clear, avoid long talks, and more importantly, avoid saying some blunt truths; the second is to discuss matters on the matter, don’t involve other irrelevant things at once. For example, I wanted to explain why I didn’t buy a toy gun for my child this time, but it turned out to criticize the child for breaking the toy last time. Such an explanation deviates from the subject and does not convince the child. After a long time, any of your explanations will become invalid.

Never turn back after rejection

Rejecting a child is the most taboo, and it will make the child feel that your words are not counted and lose their prestige. After rejecting the child, you may feel unbearable, so you are satisfied with the child again; or you may regret it again and take back what you have said. Such an approach will indirectly reinforce the child’s bad behavior, make the child feel that there is a chance to take advantage of it, and let the child “learn” to use coquetry, crying, etc. to get what they want. Therefore, if you refuse the child, you must insist. If you find something wrong with the refusal, don’t go back on the spot, but make up for it afterwards.

Psychological tips:

Appropriate rejection of the child’s requirements and occasional satisfaction can have a good effect, which can make the child look forward to and know how to cherish it. For example, occasionally giving “prizes” can attract children’s attention and make children react and behave as you expect.

Psychologists have done such an experiment: prepare two boxes equipped with joystick devices, press the joystick, one box must have food out, and the other occasionally has food out. Put a hungry rat in each of the two boxes. The rats in the two boxes quickly discovered a device that allowed food to come out. They kept pressing the joystick, and then the food stopped coming out, and the rats stopped pressing the joystick.

Psychologists analyzed the time from when the food no longer came out to stop pressing the joystick, and found that the mouse in the box where the food came out occasionally continued to press the joystick longer. The mouse in the box that must have food came out, once no food came out, it immediately stopped pressing the joystick.

This shows that the “intermittent reinforcement” of occasional remuneration can often make behavior last longer. The key to “intermittent strengthening” is “occasional”. By extension, as long as the “remuneration” is intended to be used as an incentive, it must not be given regularly. Otherwise, even “returns exceeding expectations” will become unattractive and unanticipated.