June 20, 2021

How low is your emotional intelligence if you love to reason so much?

01

In life, many people like to be reasonable, right and wrong. It is obvious that a hug can solve the problem, and it happens to be a battle of saliva; a few words of relief can soothe the emotions, but they want to list 100 “because so “, then twisted his neck and said: “Look if you did something wrong!”

Heard such a story:

A girl was collectively rejected by her colleagues because of a work error. She is sensitive by nature and cannot bear this kind of grievance. So I couldn’t wait to get off work, so I called my boyfriend to confide in the miserable experience of this day.

The boyfriend immediately set his posture: “First of all, I have to admit, this is indeed because you are doing something wrong…”



She retorted: “But I already apologized?”

“No, this is a workplace, your attitude is not very good. And listening to your tone, I think you are very emotional…”

Pop! Before her boyfriend could finish talking, the girl hung up the phone. A few minutes later, she sent a WeChat message: You are more chilling than them.

In life, there are always such people who always like to think of themselves as teachers. No matter what problems you encounter, they don’t care about your personal or your feelings, but they can move out a lot of great principles to make you want to say. He swallowed back into his stomach instantly.

In life, we really have to be reasonable in doing things. But just as the writer Zoruo said: In most cases, you and your lover, classmates, friends, and colleagues have similar knowledge and experience backgrounds. This kind of thing has certain circle attributes, that is to say. Everyone understands the common-sense principles and logic in this circle, so you don’t need to talk about it.

The girl in the story may indeed be wrong in dealing with work issues, but her need for comfort at the moment is far greater than knowing what is right or wrong.

Some people say that the importance of empathy in close relationships lies in, “Only when I get enough spiritual power from you, can I have the extra energy to organize my emotions and face more wind and rain in the outside world.”



Sometimes listening and understanding are a million times more important than giving advice.

Right or wrong should be discussed, but it should be placed behind love and empathy. When the other person feels empathy first, you will find that the seemingly unreasonable him/her will naturally let go of defense and arrogance.

02

There is a saying in psychology called “empathy”, that is, the consultant needs to feel his emotions and understand his experience from the perspective of the client during the diagnosis and treatment of the client. Only in this way can he empathize and increase the trust of the client. , Make it open up. This is the case for the diagnosis and treatment process, not to mention the intimate relationship between husband and wife or lovers.

The so-called empathy is that you are happy, I can understand, you are sad, I can detect, and respond in time: relieve emotions, understand feelings.

Empathy was put forward by Rogers, the founder of humanism. It is an ability to put oneself in the position of others and to understand or feel the things experienced by others within its framework.

For example: “I’m so tired and annoying. I wrote a report all morning.”

People who don’t understand empathy will say, “Is the report finished?”



People who understand empathy will say: “Yes~ You don’t seem to look very good, what kind of report is so difficult to write?”

People with empathy ability can stand on the other side’s position and think about themselves, experience the emotions and thoughts of others in the process of interpersonal communication, understand the positions and feelings of others, and think and deal with problems from the perspective of others.

I have known a friend for 7 years. I had dinner with her a while ago and talked about her interpersonal relationship. She expressed herself like this: My relationship with my friends is very special. They trust me and are willing to tell me secret things, telling their emotions, worries, doubts, and thinking.

Yes, because you can understand them and feel the emotions of others, friends are also willing to come to you to talk and listen.

As one sentence says: People with low EQ are reasonable, and people with high EQ understand empathy.

03

When people communicate, they are often not looking for answers, more often they need emotional acceptance.

The famous Danish psychotherapist Ils Sander mentioned a point in Empathy Communication:

Give a person enough listening, active attention, and empathy, and he will heal himself and find a way by himself.

He said: His most common response to visitors is a simple “um”.

In his opinion, he did only one thing: listen and respond, and when appropriate, affirm that the other party’s emotions are real.

This kind of uncritical response allows visitors to express their feelings without burden and allows negative emotions to be vented.

As the psychological counselor Ming He said: Sometimes, you feel that you didn’t do anything, just stay with the other person, or even listen to her crying, but she will tell you after the end, thank you, and feel better.

04

The famous Danish psychotherapist Ils Sander summarized three suggestions to exercise empathy in his work Empathy. These suggestions may not improve your EQ, but they can help us resolve the embarrassment in work and life. , Learn to empathize.

Suggestion one:

Listening is limited information and silence. If we want to deepen the topic, the most important thing is to slow down and solve one thing at a time. The key is whether we can communicate deeply with the problem.

Control the rhythm and remember to pause at any time during the conversation. Don’t let the chattering words of the other party cause you excessive stimulation, because this may put you in a dilemma of overwhelming self-care. You can think about a few sentences in advance, in case you need to slow down the pace of the conversation.

Here are a few examples of our listening process:

Let’s just sit still for a while and think about what you just said.

Our current dialogue pace is too fast, slow down the pace, so that I can keep up with your thoughts. Why not let us sit quietly for a while before continuing.

Just a moment! I just need to sit for a while and digest what you just said to me.

I know that you have something to say to me, but if we can finally talk about a topic thoroughly, it is better than talking about many topics but superficially. So try to sit still for a while and think about which topic you want to focus on.

Suggestion two:

Retelling, retelling is a simple and easy method, but it can often bring good results.

One of the many advantages of retelling is that it can reduce the rhythm of our daily habit of dialogue and create opportunities for the listener and the talker to coordinate and synchronize. The way to practice retelling is to repeat what you hear, just like the following example:

Annie: When I returned to my parents’ house last Friday, I saw my father lying on the armchair. He looked tired and his face was full of sadness. I walked over and gave him a hug, but it felt like hugging a piece of wood.

Listener: You just told me that when you came home last Friday and saw my father lying on the armchair, he looked tired and his face was full of sadness. You walked over and gave him a hug, but it felt like hugging a piece of wood.

Annie: Yes, then I went into the kitchen and asked my mother if everything was fine. She turned away without saying a word. At first it made me angry, but then I found her weeping there.

Listener: You walked into the kitchen and asked your mother about the situation. She turned and left, which made you very angry, but then you found her crying.

Annie: Yes, I was relieved to my mother in an instant. I wanted to give her a hug but was pushed away by her. She said, “Your father is seriously ill, but it is useless to cry too much. It’s useless to do anything now. It doesn’t help, I can only choose to endure these.”

Listener: You let your mother go. You wanted to give her a hug but you were pushed away. She said that your father is seriously ill and crying too much is useless. She has to bear this heavy reality.

After the retelling, you can confirm to the other party through this question: “Did I mention the main point, or missed something?”

Retelling may sound easy, but it is not easy to do it. It requires you to practice and consolidate it repeatedly. The problem that most people tend to commit is to talk about their stories without giving listeners a chance to retell and think, so that it will be difficult for others to remember exactly what they said.

Suggestion three:

Compassion. The purpose of our practice of compassion is to confirm the other person’s feelings and tell them that we feel the same.

We can use words like this: “This may not be easy for you.” We use our imagination to imagine the actual situation of the other party. Although sometimes we may not guess correctly, the other party often expresses the behavior of actively understanding their situation. Appreciate, this will inspire them to show more ideas about themselves. The basic pattern for expressing sympathy is: This must be…

Here are some examples:

Susie: I am planning a trip.

Listener: This must be interesting.

Susie: I think it’s more exciting than fun, but it’s a bit too exciting, and it makes me a little overwhelmed. Besides, I’m not interested in flying.

Just as we can practice guessing the emotions of others, we can also try to empathize with each other. The point of empathy is not what you say, but the use of facial expressions and tone of voice.

Your voice and facial expressions can follow the other party’s emotions and change synchronously. Only in this way can the other party truly feel that you understand their state of mind. Sympathy can even be expressed without words at all, and it can be done with a sigh full of sympathy.

Empathy can help us resolve embarrassment in work and life, and it can also help you meet more friends in life.