September 18, 2021

Self-protection in interpersonal relationships: I returned my emotions to you

In enjoying the relationship with others, do not excessively “exceed one’s authority” and keep the self-world moderately open. It is a kind of protection and respect for oneself and others. To draw a comfortable psychological boundary for each other in your heart is to have your own independent thoughts and life, and it is also an important factor of harmony between yourself and others.

Early in the morning, due to some things, Mr. Cui’s face and tone were not right. Although he didn’t yell loudly or in front of the child, he succeeded in passing his emotions to me like a boy gong. Although I ignored him, I always felt that my chest was stuffy.

When he finishes washing his face, he will be almost calm. I walked to the bathroom door and said to him, “Well! I think something is wrong. I feel that my emotion is not mine, but yours. You successfully passed it on to me.”

“You mean, you don’t have any problems, it’s all my problems, isn’t it?”

“No, I didn’t mean that. I mean, if this incident made you feel 100 points, you just passed the 100 points of anger to me. And I accidentally accepted it. I feel bad now. But I think that out of these 100 points, 50 points are your own and you have to bear it yourself, and the other 50 points are my own and I am responsible for it. So, now, I want to pass you on My 100 points, 50 points back to you, I don’t want to help you, so that we each bear 50 points, I feel a lot better. Come on, you 50 points, I also 50 points, haha.”



He: “Hahaha…”

No matter what kind of interpersonal relationship, it is inevitable that there will be mutual emotional contagion. For example: getting along with colleagues, due to the slow motion or slow response of the other party, which affects the work progress. In addition to the pressure caused by the work itself, it is inevitable that I will complain to my colleagues, and even secretly say to myself: “Hey! How did I meet such a person? It’s really unlucky. I really would rather have an opponent like a god than a pig. The same teammate…”. In this emotion, apart from dissatisfaction with colleagues, there is also condemnation of self.

Especially in people close to you, such as: husband and wife quarrel, daughter-in-law comes home from get off work, in a bad mood, mother-in-law looks wrong at first sight. It is inevitable to think in my heart: “What is the age now? How come everything has changed, even the mother-in-law has to look at the face of the daughter-in-law. I help with the children at home, and the housework is also very tired. Isn’t she not at all? Seeing me in your eyes, don’t you just go to a bad class? As for returning home to show my old lady a face…”

For similar things, if the mother-in-law can’t swallow this tone and tell her son that the son has not “positioned” her own seat, it will be like the “stuffing” in the sandwich biscuits, without enough “good ingredients”. Then the first time the daughter-in-law uttered the evil anger, coupled with the grievances of the mother-in-law, will continue to be a vicious circle at home…

I once heard a classmate complain: “When I went back to my hometown this time, my mother said how my sister-in-law treated her. I think my sister-in-law is really too much. It just so happened that my sister-in-law also complained to me, saying that my mother can’t do this, that’s not okay. …….. Later, I got angry and quarreled with my sister-in-law and came back.”

I said, “Hahaha! You are really noisy, how are your mother and the others.”

Only then did she realize that she wanted to help her family solve the problem, but it made the problem even bigger.



Similar to the trivial things in life, I can’t finish talking about it for days or nights, but they all have one thing in common: relationship problems.

In the relationship, there is a very important question: Can you distinguish between your own problems and the other’s problems? Your problem is your problem, my problem is my problem; your emotions are yours, my emotions are mine.

In other words, it is necessary to “handle” the problems between oneself and others in order to draw a good psychological boundary. This is also a very important point for self-protection in interpersonal relationships.

Self-boundary means that in the interpersonal relationship, the individual clearly knows the scope of responsibility and power between himself and others, and protects his personal space from infringement, and does not infringe on the personal space of others.

Psychological limits refer to the limits of what the psychology can withstand from the outside world.

In many relationships, it is easy for us to put each other’s problems on ourselves and take the other’s emotions into our own hearts. Especially the closer people are, the easier it is to “absorb”. This is why, the closer you are, the easier it is to get hurt.

Therefore, although people need to share information, discuss and share with each other. You can also talk about your troubles, share your feelings, and appropriately express your understanding and empathy, but you still have to deal with things you should solve by yourself, and you still have to bear the feelings you should bear.

At the same time, in enjoying the relationship with others, do not excessively “exceed one’s authority” and keep the self-world moderately open. It is a kind of protection and respect for oneself and others. To draw a comfortable psychological boundary for each other in your heart is to have your own independent thoughts and life, and it is also an important factor of harmony between yourself and others.