Talking to people makes you nervous, which is a phenomenon that everyone has. It’s just that some people are a little smaller, and only get nervous when facing people with certain characteristics. Some people are a little bigger, and generalized to be nervous when talking to strangers, authorities, people in power, important occasions, etc., even with colleagues, taxi drivers, and strangers who are on the sidelines.
Nervousness is like an old friend who has been with you for many years. It’s a pity that you haven’t liked it so much, and you refuse to take a look at it. In fact, nervousness is a normal, necessary and even lovely phenomenon.
Imagine you want to do something like this:
It’s difficult, and it’s a bit beyond your current ability. You’re not sure if you can do it.
The task is very important. When it is important, you must achieve it. There are no other options such as retreat.
The goal is demanding, you can’t make a little mistake in the process, a little mistake will lead to very big danger.
When faced with such a thing, how would you deal with it? Would you make yourself very nervous? Want to escape, but bite the bullet?
Nervousness is a good thing. Nervousness can put people in a state of stress, mobilizing all the energy to make oneself deal with this important and difficult thing wholeheartedly, so that oneself can complete the task as much as possible.
That’s what it’s like to be nervous when talking to others. When tension comes to patronize you, if you calm down and stay with it for a while, listen to what it is saying. You will find that nervousness is actually quite cute, like a little girl acting like a baby. Nervous is saying:
I want to please you.
You are important to me.
But I am not confident that I can do it.
Talking nervously in front of others is an act of trying to please others. You want to do it but you are not sure that you can do it, so you get nervous. Nervousness is actually to help you better accomplish your goals. You will find that Nervousness is such a loyal good friend. It never doubts whether your needs and ideas are right or wrong. It only comes to help you as soon as you need it.
So, when the tension comes back, remember to tell it: Thank you for your help.
You don’t need to drive away the tension, it’s just to help your benefactor. What you need to reflect on is:
Why do you have to have the goal of pleasing others, why you must take this goal so important, and why are you so afraid of failing to please others.
Tension is first of all narcissism. Because the tension is actually because I set myself a goal beyond my ability. What you subconsciously require of yourself is:
I must make others feel comfortable, and I must never make others uncomfortable, so that others will like me.
I must do the right thing and never do the wrong thing, so that others will like me.
I must make others like me so that I can deal with others well.
I must have a good relationship with others. If things are not good, it means that I am not good, and then I am finished.
Then you will pretend that you are very easy-going, knowledgeable, and talkative, but in fact you are very nervous. Many people in life are actually like this, not because they are really sunny and easygoing, but because they are right, good, deserved, and liked. Some people do not have enough energy to pretend, so they try to please, cater to, and take care of the needs of others in order to get peace of mind. If he couldn’t pretend, he had to hide in his own world and shivered tremblingly. The atmosphere didn’t dare to take a breath, for fear that the wrong breath would make others feel bad about him.
So when you are nervous, you actually put forward a very high and demanding goal, and you don’t know it yourself.
If you want to please others completely, and you want to behave super well, you will be scared and nervous by your high goals.
What is more terrifying than the goal is: the goal must be achieved. The cost of making mistakes is high and must never be violated.
Is pleasing others really that important? Does not pleasing others die?
Not in reality, but your subconscious mind recognizes that you will die, even more terrifying than death.
For doing a thing, the higher the cost of making mistakes, the more nervous people are.
For example, in the exam, it is also possible that the test is not good, the college entrance examination is not good and the mock test is not good, the tension is different. For example, you don’t need to be nervous when walking a path with a width of 1 meter, but what if you raise the road by 10,000 meters to form cliffs on both sides? You should be so nervous that you can’t find your legs. Because the cost of making mistakes is so high that one step is careless and there is no place to die.
The difficulty of the task has not changed, but the tension has changed because the cost of making mistakes is high. No matter how simple the task is, it will become tense.
Talking to unfamiliar people is such a dangerous task. It’s different from familiar people. You know that you don’t have a big price when you say something wrong, and the cost of making a mistake is low, so you don’t feel nervous.
If you don’t speak well or do a good job, others will think that you are bad, and you will offend others. Others will accuse you of disgusting you, and you will no longer want to care about you or be friends with you.
Objectively speaking, this is not dangerous. What if you are not good enough, what if others do not like you. As for making you feel so uncomfortable? If you ignore it, just ignore it, criticize it and criticize it, and think it’s bad if you think it’s bad. Isn’t it just offending him? What does he think about him and whether he is angry? What does it have to do with you? You don’t have to be friends with him, you have to say that I am a good one. Others are not gods, and they can’t do anything to you.
Obviously you can’t allow yourself to do this. Because this is a very bad experience for you.
This danger is actually a danger in the subconscious, which is brought about by experience. When you are young, you have to learn all kinds of ingratiation, all kinds of initiative to maintain the relationship, or parents, teachers, will not make you feel better. They bully you unscrupulously, and you have to wait on them carefully. If they are not served well, they will criticize and educate themselves in various ways for your good, dislike humiliation, and even punch and kick. Or just busy with other things and don’t want to care about you, making you feel that you are not important, and you have to beg or behave. In your experience:
I need you so much. You will only take a look at me if I take care of you.
This has formed an inherent pattern for you. When I grow up, I feel that everyone else is just like my mother back then. I only have to behave well, and only when I take good care of others will others look at me.
The moment of tension was because I wanted to have a relationship with this person too much, and I was too afraid of having a bad relationship with him.
You have never been seen or spoiled since you were young. No one thinks you are super awesome. You want it, but you never get it. This need has been brought up since childhood, and now I still want it, and I want to ask many people for it. So you want to desperately maintain all possible relationships, because you need it so much, you don’t care at all costs.
You don’t believe in yourself either.
In fact, if you express your true self, even if you don’t speak well enough, even if you don’t seem to have a good personality, you are still accepted, allowed, even supported, and loved.
When we are nervous, we actually regard another person as the “enemy” of the opposite: He has the right to despise me, accuse me, and abandon me. He scores based on my performance. If I do not perform well, he will just let me go. Rough, out.
At this time you are under pressure, because you are acting like an untalented actor, waiting to be scored. For an assessment that is not good at, I am nervous.
However, interpersonal relationships are not an assessment of you, but a nourishment. The other person supports you, not scrutinizes you. And may also need you. When you talk to a person, he is already nourished by you. You bring him freshness and relieve him of part of his loneliness. So he will be willing to listen to you and support you.
Imagine that when you talk to an unfamiliar group, you feel these two thoughts:
I want to behave well and make them think I am good;
They all support me and they all accept me.
Is there any difference in your feelings? In fact, a stranger is a neutral existence. If you pretend that you are not worthy, you will feel that they are judging you at any time. If you pretend that I am worthy in your heart, you will feel that they are supporting you.
For the existence of neutral, what meaning you give is determined by your experience.
When you were a child, you worked so hard, so careful, so scared, you were like a cow to please some people. These people are still far more dissatisfied with you than they are satisfied with you.
It is difficult for you to please success.
You have worked so hard, and you will still be dissatisfied, disgusted, neglected, let alone not working hard? How can it be worth it? It will only be worse. So you can only work harder to please others in exchange for a little support and love.
When you were a kid, you were trained in this way to become a self-awareness that I didn’t deserve, and then you brought it to the present. But did you know? You are good in the first place, and in a natural state, it is worthy of others to like you.
Nervousness is a kind of looking down on yourself.
Okay, then, here comes the question: how can I make myself less nervous when talking to others?
Let me teach you a spell. In our class, I often give a spell to the person who asks the question. When you feel nervous when talking to someone, you can pat your chest with your hand and recite this mantra silently:
You, XXX (call out the other’s name), are very, very important to me.
I, XXX (call out my name), I must serve you comfortably!!
Give it a try, how does it feel?
Shout out loudly for better results.