People always think that high EQ means good temper and smooth life.
But this kind of emotional intelligence is actually a kind of purposeful emotional intelligence.
For example, I have a female friend L, and her husband is an EQ master praised by the population.
It stands to reason that the romantic life should go smoothly.
But some time ago, I heard that they were divorced, and my friends were very surprised.
When I asked about the reasons, I found out that although L’s husband looked like a good husband, he was considerate to customers, and even took their children to and from school on their behalf, all the customers praised him, and his performance was always far ahead.
But at home, it looks different.
After returning home, L’s husband often played games on his own. Sometimes he said a few words and exploded when his temper was exploded. Unbearable L finally chose to divorce.
This kind of false EQ, which “faces people with interests needs, will do its best to deal with interpersonal relationships, and once it breaks away from the interests needs, it will be revealed” false EQ is the so-called intentional EQ.
In fact, the real high EQ is not to never lose your temper, but to know how to put your temper on the edge.
A woman with high emotional intelligence never loses her temper over trivial matters
Once, there was a youth drama called “Struggle” that spread all over the country.
Speaking of Xiang Nan and Yang Xiaoyun in this play, what impressed me most was the quarrel between the two.
They quarreled at home, in front of friends, in shopping malls, and even quarreled with the Civil Affairs Bureau.
Every quarrel is magnificent, and classic lines are endless.
But the reason is nothing more than trivial things.
Yang Xiaoyun’s temper drove away to the south in the end.
The writer Ning Zi said: A woman who loses her temper every day for trivial matters can only have two endings: Either the man doesn’t take you seriously; or, he can’t stand your temper and leave you.
No matter who is right or wrong, taking a temper to solve the problem is definitely not the best way.
In her book, she mentioned a female friend with high emotional intelligence and wisdom, which is called M for the time being.
M has a boyfriend who is handsome and good, but he has shortcomings, such as playing games, smoking, and being lazy.
In the process of getting along, M is also bored with these shortcomings of her boyfriend, and has been trying hard to fix it.
Sometimes M just cleaned up the house, and her boyfriend turned around and messed up.
Although M felt very annoying, but never lost his temper at him because of these things, but took the trouble to persuade him.
Because she thinks these things are not worthy of losing their temper.
Until one time, the boyfriend who loves to play games probably made an appointment with someone for a big fight. In order to be afraid of M interrupting, he simply went to the Internet cafe.
However, there are problems when playing the game. The young and beautiful girls who fight side by side in the game are not inferior in reality.
When meeting a beautiful woman, even though there is no love, a man always wants to move forward.
The result was not even a few steps out before M found out.
That time, M seriously lost his temper at her boyfriend and threw his notebook to the ground, telling him: “If there is another time, our love will end in the same way.”
Then, she left him and went to Hainan, shutting down the phone for seven days. Her boyfriend almost went crazy looking for her.
In fact, her boyfriend loves her very much, it’s just that the bad factor in the man’s temperament is only a little troublesome once.
This time his temper made him not only make no more mistakes, but also took the initiative to correct many minor problems.
A woman with high EQ will not lose her temper indiscriminately. If she loses her temper, it is like shedding more tears and is worthless.
But let the temper on the blade, hold the heat, and send it once, which is earth-shattering, but once and for all.
Occasionally lose your temper to your children in order to become better parents
We will see such remarks in many parenting chicken soups: Parents must not lose their temper at their children; the biggest enemy of education is the temper of parents…
In fact, you can be better parents if you lose your temper to your children appropriately.
Of course, this “appropriate” refers to putting the temper on the edge of the knife, not making a mess.
For example, I have seen parents like this in the hospital. The child cried and cried after the injection. Instead of comforting, the adult yelled, “Is it so painful? It’s been so long, don’t cry!”
In this way, parents who are emotionally out of control, regardless of occasion, are indeed prone to create a problem child.
And if you can keep your temper on the cutting edge, you can not only let your own emotions get a normal vent, but also let your children learn to think about the emotional needs of others.
A netizen who became a mother shared a story of her own:
When sending her daughter to kindergarten, she tuned out a popular song in the car music for her to listen to.
Along the way, the song has been looping single.
At the climax, netizens couldn’t help humming loudly.
Unexpectedly, not only did the daughter fail to applaud her mother’s singing, but instead said loudly: It’s disgusting!
“It’s disgusting” is a sentence that the child has just learned recently. Netizens understand that the child just said that, but still feel a little sad.
Netizens believe that although there is no need to care about a four or five-year-old child, it is still necessary to let her understand how she feels, so she told her very seriously that she was very sad.
About a minute later, the child asked timidly: “Mom, are you upset?”
“Yes it is!”
The netizen did not continue to talk to her as usual, and tried to look angry.
The child started to feel a little at a loss.
The netizen felt that the time had come, so he said to his daughter very seriously: “If you want to listen to the original song, you can ask me not to sing, but I shouldn’t say that I sing very disgustingly. It is very rude to say that, and others will be sad. ”
After hearing these words, the child was sobbing and whispered: “I’m sorry.” Since then, he has never said anything like this again.
In fact, proper tempering is also helping children establish rules and bottom lines.
When the temper loses its temper, the child will understand: This is the mother’s bottom line, and he cannot cross the line in the future.
British child psychologist Winnicott proposed:
When the child is infancy, the ideal mother will respond to all the needs of the child.
As the child grows up, this in itself is a process of gradual separation from the mother.
In this process, the child needs a kind of “just right frustration”, the child will rely on his own ability to deal with this kind of trauma, so as to form his own unique creative ability.
Keeping the temper on the knife’s edge is also to achieve this kind of educational purpose.
Violation of values, small things are worth losing their temper
As mentioned earlier, the trivial things in life are not worth our fight.
But if this matter violates principles and values, no matter how small it is, it is also a serious matter, and it must be treated seriously.
One year during the Mid-Autumn Festival, Ali Group launched a moon cake grabbing activity. Five programmers wrote a program similar to 12306 to grab tickets to grab moon cakes on the internal website.
Unexpectedly, 124 boxes of moon cakes were swept away at once, and the result was directly expelled because of violation of corporate values.
Snatched Ali Mooncake
Regarding this matter, Jack Ma directly issued an instruction: employees who participated in cheating and brushing mooncakes must leave the company before they get off work that day.
As soon as the news came out, public opinion was in an uproar. Many people said that Ma Yun was too much, and just a few boxes of moon cakes, just a little punishment, no need to go online like this.
But those who are familiar with Ali know that in terms of values, Jack Ma has never seen anything trivial. He once said:
We never change ourselves because of interest, nor will we give up our principles because of pressure. We will face any challenge. We would rather close our company than give up our principles.
And Ali’s values are: customers first, employees second, shareholders third. In Jack Ma’s view, the actions of these four programmers have seriously damaged the company’s values, so they must be expelled to prevent others from doing so.
Dr. Wu Jun also mentioned this in his column. He believes that the use of programs to grab mooncakes by programmers is actually a deception.
If someone takes advantage of the privileges and takes part of the welfare for himself, it is equivalent to the act of deducting military payments in the old-style army.
Similarly, using technical means to partially occupy the opportunity of others is no different from deducting military pay.
Regarding this matter, Ma Yun was really moved and lost his temper.
But losing your temper is not the goal, but the means to manage the enterprise and motivate employees.
First, use this to warn employees; second, to express my attitude: This is something I firmly maintain and is my bottom line. Everyone must pay attention to it, and no one can step on the line.
To make an inappropriate metaphor, temper is like a nuclear weapon, and it must find a real place to use it, rather than making a mess regardless of occasion and situation.
Otherwise, when something truly valuable requires you to lose your temper to maintain, no one will care about you anymore.
Every expression of emotion has its application context. Use it right, and use it incorrectly, which can cause side effects.
“High EQ” is a kind of ability to manage one’s own emotions and influence others’ emotions. It can lead interpersonal relationship to a reasonable result, so as to achieve one’s own goals.
People with high EQ can examine interpersonal relationships from a broader and longer-term perspective, especially the handling of disputes and conflicts.
It is more important to know how to keep your temper on the cutting edge than blindly control your temper.