June 20, 2021

Keep a sense of boundaries: walking too close will be a disaster

A while ago, a video of a little hedgehog hit the circle of friends.

As a thorny animal, the little hedgehog seems to cause trouble wherever he goes:

On the first day of school, his stabbing knocked off the books of the fox and the pig; while riding the school bus, his sting stabbed the little squirrel; when playing football, his stabbing pierced the football…

The little hedgehog without friends ushered in Christmas alone.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang, and the animals rushed in and gave him a box of foam balls.



Together, they put a foam ball on each thorn of the hedgehog, and then gave the little hedgehog a big hug.

Although the video is short, it is very distracting.

Some netizens said: They cried me warmly.

But we need to calm down. In real life, each of us is a hedgehog, and the wounding thorn is invisible.

They are all grown-ups. If you want to get warm without hurting each other, you still have to rely on yourself.

There is a fable in the West also about hedgehogs:

In winter, two hedgehogs have to rely on each other to keep warm. If the distance is too close, both parties will be bloodied; if the distance is too far, they will not be able to warm each other. Therefore, they must adjust the positions of both sides to make each other warm and protect each other’s safety.



Schopenhauer transferred this fable to interpersonal communication and proposed the famous “hedgehog effect” in psychology.

When interacting with people, you should not be too far away, which will cause alienation; and not too close, which will lose boundaries.

A good relationship comes with an appropriate distance.

01

The sense of distance between husband and wife increases mutual intimacy

Some people say that the world is too cold, so someone needs to love me.

So, when they find their significant other, they are just you and me, and they don’t want to be separated.

As everyone knows, love without a sense of distance is like two hedgehogs that are too close to each other.



I have watched a love show before, in which a pair of lovers confronted the stage because of “no distance”.

The girl said that her boyfriend wanted to get in anyway:

When gathering with friends, the boyfriend first asks whether it is a man or a woman, and strictly limits the time to go home; when going out shopping, the boyfriend will check whether her clothes are too short, and only after passing the check can he go out.

This girl was exhausted by her boyfriend’s desire to control:

“I seem to be completely under your control, and there is no freedom anymore.”

Boyfriend kept defending on stage:

“I am for your own good, to care about you, and to love you.”

But a sentence from the judges teacher said the essence:

“True love is acceptance, not endurance; it is support, not domination. It is necessary to leave room for the other party, not to dominate everything by oneself.”

We often say that distance produces beauty, and it is not without reason.

Getting too close will make people feel suffocated; walking a little farther can see the scenery along the way.

Those couples who manage their relationship very well know how to add a little distance to intimacy.

The recently released documentary film “Four Springs” tells the daily life of the director’s parents, which is ordinary and plain, but touching.

They would walk slowly along the river bank together; they would care about the lush flowers and plants on the rooftop; in the room, the father would pull the erhu and the mother would dance with a fan.

You look at me, I accompany you, simple and beautiful.

But most of the time, they are all busy with their own work. The mother likes to play with housework, while the father likes to study music.

There was a scene in the film that moved me very much.

It was late at night, and my father and mother were in two separate rooms. The mother was cutting clothes and the father was practicing singing.

There is no word for each other, but the years are quiet.

Li Ao once wrote a popular love poem:

“I don’t love so much, only a little bit. Others’ love is as deep as the sea, but my love is shallow.”

The rough reading is interesting, and the fine taste is tasteful.

The distance between husband and wife is too close, and there is no fun; but the distance is too far, and there is little understanding.

Keep a proper sense of distance between lovers and leave room for each other so that you can meet each other’s best appearance in the most comfortable state.

02

A sense of distance between relatives and a clear sense of boundaries between each other

18 years have passed, 19 years have passed, the rhythm of the Spring Festival is approaching.

There are “nine fears” on the Internet during the New Year:

Fear of low year-end rewards, fear of Spring Festival travel, fear of urging marriage, fear of relatives and neighbors asking for salary, fear of gifts, fear of nephews and nephews, fear of traffic jams, fear of classmates, fear of mentioning their age.

These piles, one by one, poke the tears of the young people.

Recently, a WeChat account of Ms. Dong from Hangzhou has been searched hotly.

As the Spring Festival is approaching, everyone is busy booking home tickets, but Miss Dong sent a private message to the leader: During the Spring Festival, please arrange more for me on duty.

When the leader asked, it turned out that Miss Dong was “afraid of forced marriage.”

As a high-educated, high-income, and high-age female with three highs, don’t look at the wind and water, as soon as she gets home, the seven aunts and eight aunts will surround her and “consolute” her words earnestly.

“You are not young anymore, you should get married.” “Why are girls so hard? You are not going to marry.” “I heard that Lao Wang’s son is good, I can arrange a blind date with you.”

The “kind and friendly” relatives “suggested ideas and suggestions” made Miss Dong really embarrassed.

Tell them about them, they are all relatives, and you can’t destroy the atmosphere; don’t talk about them, your heart is really aggrieved.

One of the hot search reviews caught my heart: “Can’t you respect other people’s choices?”

It is always difficult to grasp the distance between relatives because of the blood relationship.

It is also in Hangzhou. Not long ago, a young lady’s “textbook-level anti-forced marriage war” became popular.

On the eve of returning home, a girl in Hangzhou was forced to marry in a devilish manner by her relatives, and her mother was also ill by rumors.

The girl gave a sigh of relief to many young people who are fighting against forced marriage on the front line.

In WeChat, the young lady said domineeringly:

“Being a man is a matter of self-knowledge. If you care too much about some things, it goes beyond my personal bottom line, and hurts a kind-hearted, beautiful and lovely woman like my mother, even if it is a relative, then I will not be polite.”

If you don’t help me to give birth, why do you manage my life?

According to “Cognitive Breakthrough”:

“Caring and disturbing are good brothers, but the latter seems more impolite. But more often, there is not much difference.”

Appropriate care gives people warmth; excessive care is an interruption; excessive care is annoying.

Excessive care among relatives is not a pro-superior and a pro-industry. More often, it will suffocate brothers to the wall.

Only by keeping a proper sense of distance between relatives and setting a limit for each other’s concern can we achieve better growth.

03

The sense of distance between friends, build each other’s comfort

There is a saying spread widely on the Internet: “Like, is my biggest initiative.”

It shows the psychological distance in interpersonal communication in modern society.

Indeed, if there is no sense of proportion among friends, maybe they were brothers and girlfriends yesterday, and they will be strangers today, and they will become enemies tomorrow.

I can’t understand the meaning at first reading, but after the life, I can understand its meaning.

No matter how good the relationship is, keep a proper distance.

Friendship that has lost the sense of distance may seem close, but it will soon create greater estrangement and push both sides further.

The comfort between friends needs distance to maintain. Do not intervene at will, nor indifferent, just the right friendship is the best friendship.

04

People who live well have a sense of distance

The relationship is too far, it is rusty; the relationship is too close, it is boring;

The relationship is just right and it’s very vibrant.

Those who live well have a proper sense of distance, respect each other, and cherish themselves more.

Like the two hedgehogs warming each other in winter, they are warm and free.