What is a sense of boundaries?
You do yours, I do mine, perform your duties, do your responsibilities, do not casually intervene in the life of the other party, and give each other enough respect and freedom on the basis of love. This is the sense of boundaries.
In fact, there are only three things in this world:
First thing: own business
Second thing: other people’s affairs
The third thing: God’s thing
Keep a proper communication distance and feel the beauty of the other party to the greatest extent. Even if you are close to you, you must keep a good sense.
In the past, I always thought that those who do not care about being good to me really care about me, and they will treat others with their heart and soul.
However, it was later discovered that overly enthusiastic people always want to invade their lives, slowly want to keep their distance, and learn to keep one-third of their sincerity.
It’s not because you have become sleek, but because you really understand that a comfortable relationship requires space and boundaries.
There is a sentence in “The Stupidest Generation”: The sign of a person’s maturity is to understand that 99% of the things that happen to oneself during the day are meaningless to others.
This sentence is quite suitable for Chinese people.
Because of the influence of traditional culture and various factors, many people hardly know what the sense of boundary is. They always live in a big dyeing vat of human affection, suffering, and even injury.
Life is our own, we too need to draw a clear line from the fuzzy relationship, and those who do not have a sense of boundaries, often have these 3 signs.
Take myself too seriously
In our lives, there are always some people who unconsciously regard themselves as “saviors”, often say “I do” to get themselves into trouble, or use “I’m all for your good” to kidnap others.
In “Ode to Joy”, Fan Shengmei is such a person. After receiving a phone call from his family, he always says: “Okay, I will find a way.”
Because of this, I was completely kidnapped by my family and became a cash cow in the eyes of my mother. She always gave the money she earned to her unsatisfactory brother, bought a house for him, raised children for him, and dragged himself down to the age of 30 without saving.
However, her elder brother and sister-in-law have never felt sorry for her, and even worsened. If the job is lost, she has to help settle it, and gambling-if you lose, leave your parents and children behind, and ask Fan Shengmei to clean up the mess.
She really couldn’t hold it anymore, and she would only cry and tell her mother on the phone: “For so many years, you have used me as toilet paper and wiped your brother’s buttocks…”
Qu Xiaolang’s remarks broke her many years of predicament. She said: “Your family is sticky, you must draw a clear line with them.”
Later, on Qu Xiaogang’s suggestion, Fan Shengmei sold the house to her father for treatment and paid her mother’s living expenses on a weekly basis to prevent her from giving the extra money to her lazy brother.
Through this three-chapter approach, she solved the family crisis, instead of taking on the bottomless pit that would never be filled by herself.
Since then, Fan Shengmei has finally realized that her many years of hard work have not only failed to help her family, but have kept herself wandering in a difficult situation and exhausted.
Without boundaries, paying too much attention to others is losing yourself.
Jiang Ge is the best case. The emotional accounts of Liu Xin and Chen Shifeng should have been dealt with by themselves.
However, the appearance of Jiang Ge angered Chen Shifeng. Although Jiang Ge was not at fault, the consequence was that she became a victim of the tragedy.
A person’s sense of boundaries determines his happiness index, because all suffering stems from the lack of a sense of boundaries, power boundaries, relationship boundaries, and rule relationships.
So, be careful of those who take yourself too seriously; remember, don’t take yourself too much as a hero.
No measure, no principle
Since “The First Half of My Life” was broadcast, many people have ridiculed: “Fire prevention, anti-theft, and girlfriend.”
In fact, behind this ridicule, we are deeply warned: There must be room between close friends, because in many cases, breaking the boundary is the end.
Some time ago, Li Xiang posted a Weibo scolding “Get out of my husband’s car” because her husband and friends were in the same car. Later, it was confirmed that Wang Yuelun was not derailed, but was just sheltering from the cold with his friends in the car.
Some people say that Li Xiang made a trivial matter too much, but this happens to be the principle of Sister Xiang. She is defending her marriage and strangling all issues that may affect her marriage.
High-quality relationships need to be measured, and more importantly, they need to be honest about their principles to the outside world.
Lin Jing and Li Ting are very good friends, they have been living in the same dormitory since university.
Later, they were still working in the same city, and they became dependent on each other in a strange city. Their relationship was so strong that they could wear a pair of trousers together.
The year before last, Lin Jing got married, but Li Ting broke up with her boyfriend who had been talking for seven years.
One joy, one sorrow.
Naturally, Lin Jing couldn’t see her good girlfriends sad. To comfort Li Ting, she often went shopping with her and invited her to be a guest at home.
Accompanied by her best friend, Li Ting has had the hardest time, but because of fear of injury, she has not dared to talk about friends.
Whenever I had time, I took Lin Jing to accompany her on travel, always using relaxation as an excuse. If Lin Jing did not agree, she would say that she had forgotten her friends, and sometimes even cried in front of Lin Jing.
Lin Jing compromised, but the more he did this, the more Li Ting relied on her.
Even on weekends, Li Ting often brought vegetables to Lin Jing’s house without saying hello, saying that he would join them. Her “unexpected encounter” often caused the planned two-person world of Lin Jing’s young couple to sink.
Li Ting’s indiscreet “invasion” made Lin Jing very embarrassed. She even had a few quarrels with her husband because of this, but Lin Jing didn’t dare to say anything to her because of his affection.
Forced Lin Jing’s husband said directly to Li Ting:
Please don’t always run to our house in the future, we have our own life to live, and you also have your own life.
Li Ting thought it was Lin Jing’s instigation, and the friendship between the two broke up and broke up.
In life, there are many “Lin Jing” and “Li Ting” who forget the proportions and principles of making friends. They are either embarrassed to refuse or have no self-knowledge, so they often make each other feel uncomfortable.
Distance produces beauty, just as Zhou Guoping said in “Man and Eternity”:
All communication has an unsurpassable final limit. This limit is not clear, but it is definite. All troubles and conflicts originate from breaking this boundary unintentionally.
Only when there are boundaries, will the other party feel happy and make the other party feel safe. Grasping proportions and abiding by principles are the necessary cultivation in interpersonal communication.
Strong desire to control, impose one’s own thoughts on others
In life, there are many relationships that have problems because of crossing boundaries.
Zhu Yuchen’s mother has always been in charge of her son, and everything has to be approved by her. The son is 39 years old and still has not escaped the mother’s control.
Because Zhu’s mother did not allow Zhu Yuchen to eat takeaway, so wherever he went to film, his mother would follow and cook for him.
And she also asked her son to follow her standards when taking pictures of his girlfriend.
She said: “I know every aspect of his relationship, and I will interfere.”
Many netizens said that Zhu Yuchen would be “destined to be lonely for life”, not because of his loss of fame, fat figure, or the acne on his face, but the mother who raised him as a baby and loved him to the suffocating mother .
The most terrible thing about being a parent is always indulging in self-moving devotion. This is a terrible desire for control, which makes them never know the boundaries of getting along with their children, and always work for the children from their own perspective.
The most terrifying thing about people with blurred boundaries is that they tend to impose their ideas on others.
Luo Yonghao, the founder of Hammer Technology, once said such a thing in an interview.
When I was young, I hated superstition, and I even sneered when I saw someone talking about Feng Shui and praying to God to worship Buddha.
It was not until after starting a business, when the risk and pressure that he assumed became greater and greater as the company grew larger, he realized that many people believe in superstition, but it is actually just a kind of psychological hint to reduce pressure.
As a result, he began to change his mind. He was still not superstitious, but he no longer disliked them as before. Instead, he learned to tolerate and understand more lifestyles different from his own.
This reminds me of the story of Zhuangzi and Huizi about Zifeiyu.
One day, Zhuangzi and Huizi were watching fish on the bridge. The water was very clear and the fish could be clearly seen swimming.
Zhuangzi said: It is the joy of fish to travel calmly.
Keiko asked: Zi is not a fish, and I know the happiness of fish? Zhuangzi replied: Zi is not me, I know I don’t know the joy of fish? The joy of fish.
Different living environments and different perspectives will make people have different ideas and lifestyles. In our eyes, they are not suitable, but they are the favorite lifestyles of others, so there is no need to comment or interfere with others.
Otherwise, you will cross the boundary, and you will be troubled and thankless.
The essence of interpersonal communication is to get what they need, and the division of labor in society is to perform their duties.
A weak sense of boundaries is actually a manifestation of a person’s insufficient self-knowledge.
There are only three things in the world, our own business, other people’s business, and heaven’s business. All we have to do is to be ourselves.
When you understand this, you will be careful to be yourself.
A sense of boundaries, like a social mine, is invisible but everywhere.
Therefore, keep a proper communication distance and feel the beauty of the other party to the greatest extent. Even if you are dear, you must keep a good sense.