November 28, 2021

A good relationship is intimacy with boundaries!

A person without boundaries,

Without a complete, self-consciousness,

I can’t feel the true joy of being alive.

His energy is misplaced in the relationship,

It’s like living for others.



Good interpersonal relationship,

It must be an independent space where individuals respect each other,

Grasp the boundaries at all levels.

Do your own thing,

Respect other people’s things,

To cooperate with God

I believe many people are familiar with the term “boundary”.



Boundaries are a very important part of relationships. In China’s interpersonal relationship, 90% of the problems are in the “boundary”.

Behind the boundaries is “respect”. A relationship without boundaries will lose the value of the relationship itself.

Today, let’s talk about the boundary: how to find the boundary of the self? How to judge whether the relationship is “unclear”? How to establish a good boundary of self?

01

How to find the limits of self?

From the perspective of psychological development, self-boundary is gradually formed.

The fetus is in the mother’s body, he feels that he and the mother are one, the mother is him, and he is part of the mother.

After birth, although physically separated from the mother, they are still connected psychologically. Without a mother or caregiver, he could not survive for a day.



As the child grows up, the psychological distance from the mother becomes farther and farther away.

The process of growing up is the process of being separated from the mother and the parent psychologically. As we grow older, we separate ourselves from each other, which means we grow better.

Regrettably, in the process of growing up, many people, whether due to their parents’ reluctance to let go or because they do not want to grow up, have not been able to be completely separated from their parents psychologically when they reach adulthood. This is an incomplete growth.

In this situation, even if he has grown up, the boundary between himself, his mother, and his family is still unclear.

If this person brings this state into marriage, then the contradictions that arise can be imagined.

This is also a typical contradiction for most of us who have problems with family relationships.

02

Boundary performance

This kind of unclear boundary will be projected into his interpersonal relationship.

The specific performance is: On the one hand, he will show his inner world too much in front of others, excessively desire others to understand himself, and rely excessively on others, hoping that others will make decisions on behalf of himself in terms of which he should make decisions. .

On the other hand, he will want to understand other people’s inner world too much in order to get the feeling of being one with others, also want others to rely on himself, hope to participate in other people’s decisions even if it is very personal, and so on.

There is always a conflict between growth and non-growth in the hearts of people with unclear self boundaries.

The power of growth is of course immense.

Scientists once did a strength experiment for plant growth: tie a small pumpkin with some thinner iron bars. The pumpkin grows up slowly, and the iron bar is easily broken, and then the thickness of the iron bar is gradually increased until the iron bar is reached. When the thickness reached ten times the expected value, it was not broken.

The power of plant growth is so amazing that the power of human growth cannot be measured at all.

Think about what a three-year-old child can do, and then think about what a thirty-year-old man can do, and you will know what growth is about.

This means that many people feel that their significant other is “very naive”, “like a child” or “like a giant baby” in a relationship.

This is all because we may have grown up physically, but at the psychological and relationship levels, we still haven’t established an adult’s sense of independence.

So if we have ever been on this part,

Not able to fully grow up,

Then now,

Please give yourself a chance,

Grow into a better self.

03

The “benefits” of ambiguity

Is there any benefit to unclear boundaries? Of course. Otherwise, there will not be so many people stuck in the quagmire.

The power of unclear boundaries and not wanting to grow is also great, and it has a series of “benefits” that our inner wounds need.

The first “benefit” of ambiguity is: safety.

In the process of learning to walk, the child walks a few steps and then turns back and hugs his mother’s legs. That is for safety; when he grows up a little bit, he opens the door of his house, sees a stranger walking by, closes the door, and ran back. Hugging mom, that’s also for safety.

In the heart of the child, as long as he merges with his mother, he is not afraid of anything. This psychology will remain until adulthood.

An adult who is not fully grown, he will subconsciously feel: as long as he is tied up with another person, he will feel safe.

In this process, the boundaries of the self become blurred.

Growth has always been at the cost of breaking through the safety zone. However, people with low inner security will first fall into the level of taking care of their “sense of security” needs.

Although this seems to be safe for a short time: we are attached to one person, and we are tightly bound to another.

But in this deformed relationship, as long as any one of them feels uncomfortable and wants to escape, the relationship will collapse.

The second “benefit” of ambiguity is to get all kinds of attention and help.

People with unclear boundaries are tantamount to inviting others to “point out” or help with everything in their lives.

Parents choose school for themselves, choose a partner, decide what to wear today, what to do, how to do something, how to talk, to behave in the world, and so on.

It seems easy, right? We can not be responsible for everything we do. But what is the difference between this and puppets? Do you like this kind of life?

The third “benefit” of unclear self-definition is that you can control others.

People with unclear boundaries often invade the lives of others and judge, intervene, and even do the work of others.

Many parents try to control and control their children’s lives and various decisions.

Perhaps this kind of complete control feels good, but all “control” relationships will eventually end in loss of control and breakdown.

Because no one wants to be someone else’s puppet, everyone wants to live according to their own will.

People who want to control others are essentially because of their own lack of security. He wants to control others to achieve a state where he feels comfortable and safe.

So, do you understand that these “benefits” are actually not real benefits.

We lack boundaries because of our lack of security and independent self-awareness. But if we want to build a sense of security on others, it will only bring us more insecure conditions.

A person without boundaries,

Neither has a complete, self-consciousness,

I can’t feel the true joy of being alive.

His energy is misplaced in the relationship,

It’s like living for others.

If you want to have a good relationship, you must grow. Only the inner growth of the self can bring us a sense of security and happiness.

A relationship without a sense of boundaries lacks vitality and is full of distortions and pain.

04

How to establish a sense of boundaries?

Boundaries are very important. To draw a clear psychological boundary with others, not only from now on, to cultivate self-consciousness of boundaries, but also requires continuous efforts.

The first thing that needs to be clarified is that the boundaries between oneself and others in terms of views, emotions and behaviors are not clear.

Then slowly draw clear lines on those unclear places one by one. Although there will be some pain in doing so, there will be more joy of growth.

A person with a clear self-definition does not mean that he does not need others. In other words, he does not bear everything on his own under any circumstances, and refuses the support of others in terms of emotion and action.

Clear self-boundary means that a person is close to others, but not so close to the extent that he loses himself, and not so close to the extent that he regards others as part of himself, he is still him, and others are still others.

At the same time, he will not be too far away from others, not too far to lose the ability to love the person he wants to love. When he really needs it, he will get a sense of security and warmth that is not false from others.

Even between husband and wife, between parents and children, and between friends, everyone should have a clear boundary between themselves.

Those emotions that have no boundaries of self will sooner or later cause irreparable harm to everyone in this emotional relationship.

Some people may say that making the boundaries so clear in such an intimate relationship will make the relationship very indifferent?

The answer is no.

Because the self has clear boundaries, it does not mean that there is no emotion.

Moreover, the emotional communication between two people who have a clear self-boundary is the deepest, the most real and the most valuable.

Let’s get closer, because we all need each other, but don’t get too close, don’t get close and can’t tell which is you and which is me;

Or let us stay away from each other, but not so far away that we cannot hear each other’s voice when we need to love each other.

I wish you all, the more you grow up in your life, the happier you are. Live clearly and enjoy life clearly.