April 17, 2021

Why can’t others listen to your words? | Five feedback methods to improve communication

Why does the TA refute no matter what suggestions you make? It is a kind reminder that the TA thinks it is provoking?

——I hurt my knee.

——How did it hurt?

——Why are you spying on my wounds! If you are injured, you still have to ask how it hurts! Do you know how to respect me!



——I hurt my knee.

——Is there a purple potion? Wipe some. Go to the doctor early.

——I don’t need you to tell me how to do it! Don’t I know how to do it!

——I hurt my knee.

——I will bandage it for you?

–no need.



——I hurt my knee.

–pitiful. Last time I…

——(Interrupting) Please don’t say it. Your situation does not help me at all.

——I hurt my knee.

——The damn ghost weather is like this.

——Talking to you will not help my wounds. Bye bye.



——I hurt my knee.

——I believe it will get better. Come on!

——Such vague words are useless to me.

It is very common for men and women to refute no matter what you suggest. In short, this is a classic “yes…, but…” reaction.

You give an answer that you think is very logical. The person concerned does not necessarily disagree completely, that is, the “yes…” part, but the TA will have a “but…” part to point out what you said. How it is inappropriate, how it can’t be done, and so on, makes people feel very embarrassed.

There is a feeling that no matter how good advice you give, TA can hit you back with a baseball bat.

This kind of reaction is common for both men and women, especially when the parties need to make changes.

Why is this happening?

Because the client does not need your advice, what the TA needs is listening and understanding.

This article also does not distinguish between men and women.

For example, a man complains that his work is hard and his salary is not high when he comes home. His wife replied that if the job is not good, you can change another one.

A certain man replied that it’s hard to find a job, or it might be more tiring to change a job, etc. His wife was speechless.

The next day, a certain man went home and continued to complain about the bad work and the poor leadership.

His wife continued to make suggestions, what kind of mentality should be used to deal with work, and how to communicate with the leader better.

A certain man replied that our leader is like this. XX told him about XX last time, but he was put on small shoes.

The topic diverged. On the third day, a certain man still complained. His wife was angry. She gave you so many ideas and complained without any need. You deliberately, are you not self-motivated (referring to unwillingness to find a new job).

In fact, a certain man did not deliberately refuse to listen to persuasion, nor is he not motivated. What he needs is his wife’s understanding and care, not advice. For example, hand over a cup of tea and say “husband, you have worked hard.”

How to resolve this situation? You can try to listen.

Listening skills are necessary skills for counselors and psychologists.

You can try it in your daily life. Simply put, the connotation of listening skills is to give others full attention with compassion, and feedback the feelings, meanings and content of other people’s words. Only these will have Very good healing effect, and will make people feel very comfortable with you, not necessarily very pleasant (you did not tell a joke), but it is very comfortable.

Give an example to explain the next five feedback methods (reflective skills)

1. Feedback of feelings: The focus is on summarizing or inferring the person’s emotional feelings

– A certain man complained about long working hours, too much overtime, low income, and low level of bad temper in leadership.

–Do you feel angry that your value has not been taken seriously?

2. Reflection of meaning: The focus is on summarizing or conjecturing the parties’ concepts and values

– A certain man complained about long working hours, too much overtime, low income, and low level of bad temper in leadership.

–Do you think it is unfair, that income is not directly proportional to ability?

3. Feedback content (reflection of content also known as paraphrasing): The point is to summarize the specific information given by the parties, which can appear to be repetitive

– A certain man complained about long working hours, too much overtime, low income, and low level of bad temper in leadership.

–Are your company’s working environment and remuneration not so good?

4. Echoing: Selectively repeat the key words given by the parties, and encourage the parties to give more information.

– A certain man complained about long working hours, too much overtime, low income, and low level of bad temper in leadership.

–Your leader?

5. Summary: Summarize the specific circumstances and psychological feelings given by the parties.

When you are like a sounding board and give active listening, the person involved will often understand their situation by themselves and can propose solutions accordingly. If you want to put forward your own opinions or solutions, usually there will be no more “yes…, but…” saying everything will give you a stick.

Friendly reminder:

1. Don’t casually contact your own experience or the situation of others. Reasons that may be annoying:

1) The conversation center has been transferred from the person involved;

2) Your story and TA’s will not be exactly the same, there is no value for reference;

3) As far as you can! As far as you know!

If you have to think divergently, contact the person’s past experience, such as whether the TA has encountered such a situation before, and how it was resolved at that time.

2. Don’t just promise or predict the future.

Because you may slap your face, and even if you can predict the future, you have to give a reason before people can believe it.

3. Don’t be too determined when giving feedback on other people’s information, emotions and meaning.

We are not roundworms in other people’s stomachs. It is normal to guess wrong, and be prepared to be denied.

4. Self-deprecation and humor are excellent interpersonal lubricants.

But when others are in an emotional state, carefully grasp the scale. If you are not sure, say less and make less mistakes.

5. If you really don’t know whether the client wants you to be a listener or give specific opinions, ask! Just ask the TA, do you want me to make some suggestions or be a good listener? This question seems silly, but it can be effective The reduction of “yes…, but…” phenomenon, after spending a long time free of charge, both of them felt wronged in their hearts.

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