Jiang Shuying is a popular actor in recent years and a glamorous goddess in the hearts of fans. She once won the championship in a speech program. During the speech, she knew that she, who was so confident, had also suffered from social fear.
It is said that 90% of people have more or less social fear, which may have something to do with our era. The Internet has changed our lives. There are more and more homeboys and homegirls. We can easily reach many people, but it is precisely because of this that it will cause us to avoid socializing unconsciously. Because a person’s energy is limited, the subconscious knows that we can’t cope with so many relationships, so it automatically turns on the avoidance mode, making us feel that it is safer to be alone.
A girl once came to consult. She said that she wanted to have a boyfriend, but in real life she didn’t have many choices. She signed up for a marriage dating site, but when she saw the thousands of men on it, her heart was disturbed. After seeing a few, I became more and more afraid of blind dates. She doesn’t want to contact any opposite sex now. Only in the online world can she relax a little. She is worried about whether this is a problem.
Abundant network resources are the advantage of our time, but it is always necessary to establish realistic interpersonal relationships. For example, in the workplace, if you meet someone you like, it is impossible to stay on the Internet all the time, so you have to overcome the obstacles in communication.
The object relationship theory says that people live to seek relationships. This is indeed the case. All our troubles are not related to the relationship of others, but also to the relationship of the self. Therefore, we must see the importance of a good relationship. It is not only about our career and marriage, but also happiness.
In the case I received, social fear is relatively common. In social fear, some people are afraid of leaders and their elders, some people are afraid of strangers and the opposite sex, and some people are afraid of speaking out. You might think that these people are not good enough to do this, such as low education, lack of beauty or low income, etc.
But in fact, the visitors with social fears I have contacted are very good, both in their educational background and in their appearance, they are very competitive, there are PhDs who have returned from studying abroad, lawyers, doctors, and college students from Tsinghua University. .
This shows that social fear has nothing to do with one’s own excellence, but has something to do with self-confidence. In other words, whether a person is confident or not has nothing to do with being excellent or not.
If you can’t always look at yourself positively or objectively, no matter how good you are, you will still be unconfident. People with severe social phobias have obvious low self-evaluation, which is the root cause of this problem.
If a person lacks self-confidence, he is subconsciously afraid of being hurt by making a fool of himself, and he will avoid social interaction unconsciously. But on the other side, loneliness is terrible, and I want to be close to others. In this way, the fear of being hurt and the fear of loneliness begin to fight in the heart, which will make a person’s heart very painful.
To improve this situation is not so much to regain self-confidence, but to overcome inferiority. In my case, there was a girl who was afraid of authority. She always felt that she would be looked down upon by the leader, and she was always very afraid that the leader would criticize her. When I asked her to summarize her strengths, she couldn’t say a word. She felt that she was useless.
In fact, during our consultation process, I found a lot of shining points on her. But her attention is focused on her own shortcomings, and even some things such as truth and kindness are regarded as stupid and weak.
This is all negative self-evaluation, and this is precisely the source of inferiority. Therefore, to overcome inferiority, you must treat yourself objectively, or talk to people around you. When I asked the visitor to talk about her strengths, she couldn’t say it, but when I asked her to imagine how her colleagues or friends would evaluate her, she said a lot and laughed involuntarily.
When a person finds that he has a place to be recognized, the power generated in his heart is subtle and huge. Therefore, we can prepare a notebook, slowly accumulate recognition of ourselves, and write down all the good things we see in ourselves. In this process, we don’t need to compare with anyone. In fact, there is no comparison between people. Everyone is unique in the world. Nature has also given us their own talents in the process of creation. For example, if you read my article here, it doesn’t mean that I am better than any of you. You must also have bright spots that I can’t match.
I have never seen a person without special skills, even if he is mentally retarded or mentally ill, they all have different shining points. So if you can continue to focus on self-affirmation and see your own uniqueness, you will be able to gradually overcome inferiority complex and become more confident.
If we can overcome our low self-esteem and regain some of our self-confidence, we can then have more strength to deal with the negative emotions in the social process, such as fear, tension, embarrassment, uncomfortableness, and when we move towards something that makes us uncomfortable. On occasions, these emotions happen automatically, and you may think: Don’t be nervous, why are you nervous again, don’t be nervous… As a result, we are really nervous.
In fact, these tensions are caused by resisting tensions, so if we can let go of the rejection of tensions, a large part of the anxiety can be reduced. Stop blaming yourself for tension, tell yourself that tension is normal, accept your tension, and then turn your attention to what you have to deal with right now. The tension will disappear gradually.
There was once a man who, as a middle-level leader, was very afraid of speaking at a meeting. He felt that the nervousness he showed would be seen by his superiors and might affect his official career. Every time he restrained himself from being nervous, the more he was like this, the more nervous he became.
Another young woman found her hands trembling during work, which she thought was very bad. So every time I was with a colleague, I would be very nervous. I was afraid that others would see her hands shaking, and the more she did this, the more her hands would shake. She bit her scalp to go to work every day and felt very tired.
These cases all let us see that when the attention is focused on the emotion of resistance, it will be strengthened instead. It’s like a skinny kid at home. The more you suppress him, the more naughty he is. Instead, accept him and hug him so that he will not be harmful.
As long as you learn to get along well with your emotions, social fears will naturally dissipate.