August 05, 2021

People with low EQ speak reason, people with high EQ talk about feelings

You seem to be full of reason, and you really have low EQ. People with lower EQ are more likely to be reasonable at every turn.

01

People who love to reason, generally have low EQ

To talk about the most annoying low EQ communication method, reasonable positioning is at the forefront.

Two days ago, I met a difficult partner at work, and I was so angry that I was about to collapse. I made an appointment with a friend immediately after work, and wanted to make complaints with her.



As a result, as soon as I sat down and ordered a cup of milk tea, I started to spit for less than 2 minutes, and my friend interrupted me and said a lot of words earnestly, probably meaning:

In the workplace, you should be more professional and not so emotional; the more you face such a person, the less you can be angry, and he will succeed; you have to be tough, and don’t let him think that women are so bully in the workplace… ….

After listening to this passage, I took a big sip of iced milk tea and didn’t want to say anything.

Whether in life or at work, the more the so-called truth is said, the more it will make the listener panic and don’t want to communicate anymore.

Reasonable people often don’t realize this. They really want to be good for each other, but in the end they are always left out.

This low EQ communication method bores others and also makes them feel wronged. The core reason is: in communication, they only talk about reason and don’t talk about feelings.

Generally, people with high EQ can always have a keen perception of people’s emotions and feelings, and have a series of coping methods based on this perception, so they are more measured in the handling of interpersonal relationships and feel appropriate and comfortable.



People with low EQ have poor accuracy in their emotional sensibility, or lack of sensibility, which leads to inadequate care of people’s emotional feelings when speaking and doing things. They can only apply some rigid principles or communication methods, which appear to be very low.

Thinking of the preaching of Tang Sanzang in “A Westward Journey”:

Hey hey hey! Don’t be angry, you will get angry. Wukong, you are too naughty, I told you not to throw things away…The Moonlight Treasure Box is a treasure. Throwing it away will pollute the environment. Flowers and plants are also wrong…

Every sentence is very reasonable, but if such a person appears in our lives, we will be as annoyed as Monkey King, and we can’t wait to beat him up.

This article is for those who live in a lot of truth all day and think that they are very reasonable and awesome:

People need to be reasonably reasonable, but your emotional intelligence is really low when you talk about reason all day long.

02

People who are only reasonable, live in “should”,



Not in the “real”

Why would anyone always like to be reasonable?

In fact, this is the internalization of external requirements.

In our growth, if the early nurturers only reasoned about us, only made requests, and did not pay attention to our emotional feelings, we would easily develop into a person who “excessive should”, these “excessive should” manifested in:

What should people do?

What should you do?

What should i do?

What should he do?

The connection between these nurturers and their children is not through emotions, but through “requests”, “right or wrong” and “reason”. This will lead to the child’s ability to feel emotions is not fully guided, exercised and developed, and a lot of excessive development. The ability to “rationalize”.

In the consciousness implanted by adults, children should eat well, even if you are already full;

Children should not cry, even if you are already very sad;

Children should not grab toys, even if you don’t want to share with others…

Many people grow up on this framework and become so-called good babies. After they grow up, they will continue to use this model to interact with others, copying the model of connecting with people by “truth” in the early years.

In the process of communication, the truth will always come out first. They can’t see the living heart, let alone feel the difference in each person’s feelings, and always offend others unknowingly.

In addition, “excessive reasoning” will also make their own hearts become unhealthy.

Because they only believe in truth, when the truth conflicts with their own feelings, they will blindly suppress their own feelings to solve the problem, which constitutes compulsion.

People who make themselves do things through compulsion have a hard time experiencing the joy of doing things, and they are easy to fall into mechanical and numbness. Sometimes this kind of compulsion is too much, and the depressed emotions will fight in the subconscious and form great inner conflicts. .

I usually use horses and riders to compare this relationship.

The rider must understand the feelings and characteristics of his horse in order to better manage the horse and run towards the goal with the horse; and if the rider only pays attention to “the horse must run fast, the horse should run there.” Disregarding the horse’s feelings, blindly beating the horse to make it run hard will only break the horse and cause the horse to confront it.

In the same way, trying to persuade others in a reasonable way can easily arouse resistance from others.

03

How can people who are too reasonable to improve their emotional intelligence?

The key to communication is “understanding”, but over-reasoning cannot promote understanding of people.

People who are over-reasonable want to learn to communicate, they must first learn to understand others, and the prerequisite for understanding others is to understand themselves first.

But if we live excessively in various truths, we cannot understand ourselves.

Because our perspective must first judge “Is this right”, “I shouldn’t be like this”, not “Why would I be like this”, “What do I want”, “What makes me happy” …..

Excessive principles and requirements are building oneself around a foreign object. This foreign object may be the requirement of the early nurturers, or it may be some external evaluation standards.

In this kind of construction, my feelings and needs are not important. I must develop myself around this foreign object, otherwise I will be unreasonable, shouldn’t, or even be recognized and loved.

Only talking about reason, not about feelings, and being unable to understand oneself and others, it is strange that EQ is not low.

I have a reader. After reading my article “About Emotional Intelligence, This May Be An Article That Subverts Your Perception”, I felt that because of my lack of self-recognition, I used to be very nervous in every communication and needed to apply various methods. This kind of truth, all kinds of high EQ words to deal with.

But later when she tried to imply that she was not so bad, she finally relaxed and could feel her own feelings, and accepted the existence of this feeling, and everything quietly improved.

When I calmed down and listened to my feelings and tried to understand why I was angry, I suddenly had the so-called “soft power”. I knew that the reason for my anger was not the other party’s rough language, but the long-term inaction. Be respected.

Finally, I talked to him about my feelings frankly and found that it was not that bad. He admitted that maybe he was unconsciously because he was anxious to get results, so he said some disrespectful words, which hurt me, and promised that the future cooperation will be even better. note.

And when I understood myself more and more, I unexpectedly discovered that I could also perceive the feelings of others. Through each emoticon and tone of voice, I asked them what they were worried about, happy or anxious, and understood the reason and purpose of their communication. .

In the end, Party A actually pointed out that I would cooperate with me, saying that I understand their ideas best and communication is the least troublesome.

She discovered for the first time that the power of understanding and feeling is much greater than reasoning.

04

Let feelings go ahead of reason, and make high emotional intelligence possible

Many people who think that they have low EQ and only make sense, may be like the readers above me:

Actively learn all kinds of speaking skills, and even hope that I can become an artificial intelligence that is good at communication, able to make the best response according to the other party’s words and current contradictions, so that both parties can solve the problem comfortably.

But in fact, all speaking skills are based on understanding itself. Good communication is never the other party’s trick and we apply a solution technique, but two mobile people who talk in mutual understanding and feelings, and finally achieve a win-win situation. .

Those great principles often block understanding and feeling in a rigid way. We need to consciously understand and feel, and let go of the truth.

Just like when we were young, parents always refused to accept the rationality of our emotions and emotions, and always judged that we should not be like this or that. For example, children should not be greedy, children should not make adults angry, children should not cry, and children should be polite. .

They never tried to understand:

Why are we gluttonous?

Why should we do something to make adults angry?

Why do we cry sometimes? When do we cry and what happened?

Why are we not polite? What happened?

These ignorance and even denial of emotions and feelings prevent our true self from developing, and make us always afraid that once we do not comply with those requirements and principles, we are not good enough and not worthy of being loved.

But in fact, any of your actions are reasonable.

Don’t children just be greedy? Why can’t children make adults angry? Why can’t children cry? Why should children be polite? How can they be polite?

These requirements and rules can actually be changed, because the corresponding requirements and rules are completely different because of different perspectives.

Based on this, there is no absolutely correct truth, only from a certain angle, a certain kind of person’s needs, a temporary and partial point of view.

Your understanding of the world, opinions and principles must be integrated with your own feelings.

The ability of the viewpoint developed in this way will not be just an empty truth or a rigid requirement-it will be flexible, more angled, and capable of coexisting multiple viewpoints, which can be adjusted at any time.

When you try to understand and feel, and learn to integrate, your emotional intelligence has the possibility to improve.