June 20, 2021

Psychological skills: how to comfort a depressed friend?

When a friend is sad,

Many people either kindly persuade “Don’t cry, be strong”.

Either help analyze the problem and tell him “what should you do”,

Others will criticize each other: “I told you already…”

In fact, the effect of the above methods is not great, so you should also talk about psychological skills to comfort people, and give the most intimate comfort based on the other party’s psychological activities.



01

Listen to each other’s distress

Due to differences in life experience, family background, education, etc., each person has a different understanding of distress. Therefore, when trying to comfort a person, one must first understand his distress.

To comfort people, listening is more important than speaking.

A frustrated heart needs gentle listening ears, not a logically keen, organized head. Listening is to use our ears and hearts to listen to the other person’s voice. Don’t ask the cause and effect of things, and don’t rush to make judgments. Give the other person space so that he can express his feelings freely.

When listening, we have to empathize, and the other person will notice the fluctuations in our hearts.

If we can “sorrow his sorrow and be happy with his happiness” for his experience, this is the best help for the comforted person.



02

To accept each other’s world

The biggest obstacle to comforting people often lies in the inability of the comforter to understand, experience, and agree with the distress that the person considers. It is easy for people to limit the definition of distress to the range that one can understand. Once it exceeds this range, it is unreasonable to “suffer”. Because he disagrees with the “suffering” spoken by others, the comforter tends to resist in the process of listening and can’t wait to put forward his own opinions.

Therefore, the comforter needs to abandon his deep-rooted concepts, admit his own prejudices, and truly look at the problems he faces from the other side’s perspective.

As psychologists say, “Let go of your own world and accept the world of others”.

This is the truth. The best comforter is to temporarily let go of yourself, walk into the other’s inner world, use his eyes to see what happened to him, and not make rash judgments.

03

To explore the path the other party has traveled



The comforter often feels that he has an obligation to propose a solution for the other party. As everyone knows, every person who is tortured by distress has almost had a series of continuous attempts and failures before seeking comfort. Therefore, all we have to do is to explore the path the other party has traveled, understand his struggle experience, let him be heard, understood, and recognized, and tell him that he has done enough and good enough. This is a comfort .

Psychologists remind the comforter of an important concept: “Comfort is not the same as treatment. Treatment is to make people change, and to cut off suffering through change; while comfort is to affirm the suffering and not try to stop it.” In fact, in the process of comforting people, any solution provided is likely to fail or be inapplicable, which will disappoint the other person again. Therefore, without intervention or insight, listening, understanding and agreeing with their distress is comfort The highest principle.

In addition, it is a comfort to accompany the other person for a walk. The other person will feel safe and warm in your company, so he will talk about his pain, tell his resentment, self-blame, regret, and say everything he wants to say. After he has gone through the storm, his heart will gradually calm down and face himself calmly. He will sincerely thank you for your company and feel that he is relying on himself