March 06, 2021

Poor interpersonal relationship is because you don’t understand these five principles

01

Manage your emotions

If you take yourself too seriously, it will lead to irrationality and emotional use. You have to realize that sometimes you are talking to a character/title/position, not that person.

That position, not the person in the position, may tell you that you do not meet its expectations. You can’t help but like the person in charge, and you can’t be angry with him, even if he could handle things more flexibly. Therefore, when others give you constructive criticism or suggestions to make you do better, try not to attack others emotionally.

Similarly, if you can’t face the reality, then don’t ask others for advice, lest you get stuck with each other, and instead make you feel offended. We are all qualified to have our own opinions. When others disagree with you, don’t be too emotional, don’t always feel that you have to defend yourself, just provide the facts with a calm mind.



02

Seek common ground while reserving differences

If you want others to always like you and be consistent with you, then you get used to disappointment. You have to accept this reality, because you cannot change others. The idea that we can change others is the main cause of conflicting relationships. In the relationship between two people, if someone thinks that he/she can change the other person by time, with all due respect, it is impossible to give up this idea as soon as possible.

To some extent, we feel more or less guilty about changing others. Before I fell in love with a very introverted person, and always hoped that he could make some changes to adapt to my extroverted preferences, but of course it did not succeed. I hope it will work because he is a trustworthy and honest person, but I later realized that I could not and should not try to change him. In the end, our love aborted.

So if you have: I will always make him like wine and theater; she will fall in love with cooking; he will open up and communicate more effectively; when she realizes her potential, she will have greater ambitions… With such thoughts, you just wait for a huge disappointment. Similarly, don’t expect others to like you. If you later realize that you are unflattering, you will feel very hurt.

Finally, don’t expect others to follow your current affairs. Sometimes, you have to seek common ground while reserving differences and move on. If you can respect each other, you may be pleasantly surprised to find that the other person respects you because you stick to your beliefs, and may turn to accept and look at the problem in your own way.

I have long noticed that when talking with others, if both parties adopt the approach of seeking common ground while reserving differences, and at the end of the development, I will find that the part of the original disagreement is not so important in the overall blueprint. The next time you realize that you are trying to tell others what to think and how to think, remember to ask: “Don’t you agree?” If they disagree, it doesn’t matter.



03

Avoid unintentional blindness

Inadvertent blindness, subjective assumptions, and prejudice are all negative factors that affect your relationship. Unintentional blindness is a psychological phenomenon. No matter what or event, if we don’t pay attention, we won’t be able to see it even if we are right in front of us.

Some people may have seen a video of the cognitive test on YouTube. In the video, half of the people wear white clothes and half of them wear black clothes. The test subjects are asked to count the number of passes made by the white team. And just as you were counting, a dancing gorilla or spacewalking bear walked over from the two teams. But when I played this video to people, few people saw gorillas or bears. After I played it again, they saw the animals clearly, and they were surprised that they hadn’t seen it before.

Why? The reason is that they focus on counting the ball, and don’t even think about going to see orangutans or bears. Why is it important to overcome unintentional blindness? Here I will give you two examples to illustrate: one, unintentional blindness almost cost me in the interrogation; second, subjective assumptions simply make me stupid (in this process, I treat myself Super crazy).

The first story took place in the interrogation compartment. I was interrogating a detainee at the time. Although he did not openly confront him, he was not friendly. There is no breakthrough between us, and of course there is no good relationship. I tried to get him to participate in the conversation with eye contact, but when he gave ambiguous answers with one or two words, he always looked at the floor and ignored me at all. I was really frustrated.

I know I cannot force him to talk to me or like me. At that time, my interpreter turned and whispered to me: “Do you know he was praying? That’s why he didn’t pay attention to you.” I didn’t know he was praying. I looked at him and saw him gently clasp his fingertips, imitating the movement of silently counting the rosary.

Oh my God, what an obvious prayer, and I actually appeared unintentionally blind, letting myself focus on how to build a good relationship with him and get eye contact, but I didn’t see what he was doing. So I leaned down gently, put my hand on his hand, and politely asked him if he could stop praying while we were talking, and then told him that I would give him time to pray alone in the house at the end of the interrogation.



He was really angry at first, but I regained his trust. The key is that I promised him to pray in the house alone after the trial. If the interpreter did not tell me that he was praying, my inadvertent blindness would make the trial end early, without gaining any effort, and I would be frustrated.

The second story is related to body language. My friend’s husband used to study neurolinguistic programming. After knowing what I did, he said to me one day: “I want to practice with you. I will tell three things. One of them is a lie. You have to tell me What is the lie.” I think it’s good and interesting.

He started and said, “I can speak Icelandic, study Jiu-Jitsu, and I won the grand prize of the National Chess Championship at 11 years old.” Intuition immediately told me that he lied about chess because of the other two things he stated. There was no such detail, and when he said this sentence, he cocked his toe, approached me, and shrugged, full of four flaws.

However, I said to him: “You can’t speak Icelandic.” Why didn’t I believe my instinct? Because I thought it was impossible for him to speak Icelandic. Let’s see how subjective assumptions affect people’s thinking! Knowing that he lied on chess, he still let subjective assumptions dominate my thinking, leading to misjudgment.

04

Positively influence others

We want to influence others in a positive way, want them to like, trust, and respect us, and feel comfortable staying with us. How to do it?

Here are three suggestions:

* Positive energy: Have a positive and optimistic attitude. People like to be with people with positive energy, no one wants to surround themselves with people with negative energy. Because positive energy can infect and infect people. Someone once told me that my smile was contagious. This is really the best compliment to me, but no, I can spread my smile to others.

* Encourage people: sincerely encourage others to open their hearts and share their feelings, thoughts, and ideas. The best leaders will make their subordinates feel this way: you can talk freely without worrying about any possible impact. People rely on others to get confirmation and trust authority figures. So set off toward this goal, let yourself become an authority figure recognized by others, and strive to be a respected leader.

* Build close relationships: Don’t rush to build relationships or express yourself. Answering too quickly in a conversation means that you did not listen to what the other person was saying, but were thinking about what you were going to say for a while. Even if you listened to the person, you did not listen to the signal that was released too quickly. At the same time it will give people a feeling: what you want to share with everyone is more important than others. Building a close relationship means using mutual respect and respect.

05

Don’t be afraid to be a “student”

The last principle requires that you put yourself aside for now, and this is a good way to work with arrogant people. There are two ways to induce them to fulfill their role as a “student”.

First, pretending to be naive, the other party will show unbelief. When I was interrogated, I would pretend to be dumb, pretending that I didn’t know certain things about the detainees, such as who they followed, where they trained, knowing who was in prison, and so on. I use this method to obtain information, which is very useful, especially for those arrogant detainees, because they like to feel smarter than me, know much better than me, think I have no clues, and then help teach me. Hey, I am a good student!

Second, show an incredible look. If you sigh like this-“I can’t believe that you have achieved such high sales in just six months!”-people will be willing to explain to you how bullish you are and how you did it.

The above two techniques can make people feel airy, let them play to the fullest on the temporary stage, and get the satisfaction of being listened and paid attention to.

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