October 02, 2022

The key to improving emotional intelligence: let go of the truth and talk more about feelings


Low emotional intelligence: only reason, not feelings.

Low EQ is a very distressing thing in life. For the person involved, knowing that they are low in EQ and undesirable is really making themselves uncomfortable, but if you want to change EQ, it seems that you can’t find the accuracy. The way.

For people dealing with low EQ, people with low EQ often speak and do things inappropriately, and often behave very silently, making you dumbfounded.

So how should we improve our EQ?

As we all know, EQ is the abbreviation of the term “emotional intelligence”. According to Salovy and Mayer, the original authors of the term EQ, EQ includes “resolving one’s own emotions”, “managing emotions”, “self-motivation”, and “recognizing others.” There are five parts of “emotion” and “handling interpersonal relationship”. It can be seen that the key word of emotional intelligence is “emotional feeling”. It is mainly because of the differences between people and people in emotional feelings and processing that cause the level of emotional intelligence.

Simply put, people with high EQ have an accurate and keen perception of people’s emotional feelings, and a series of coping methods have been developed on the basis of this perception, which leads to more measured interpersonal relationships and makes people feel appropriate and comfortable.

However, people with low EQ have poor accuracy or lack of sensibility, which leads to inadequate care of people’s emotions and feelings when speaking and doing things, and they appear to have low EQ.

A person who is disconnected from his own emotions and feelings often lives in a lot of truths, so the way they communicate with others falls into this situation: Reasonable, well, if there is no agreement on the truth, they will go further Right or wrong.

Yes, this article is for those who live in a lot of truth all day long and think they are very reasonable and awesome.

But a person who is immersed in his own truth can’t see the frowning of others at him:

“People need to be reasonably reasonable, but the way you talk about reason all day, really has a low EQ.”


People who only speak reason, live in “should”, not in “real”

The truth comes from the internalization of external requirements.

In our growth, if the early nurturers only reasoned and asked for us, and did not pay attention to our emotional feelings, we would easily develop into a person who “excessive should”, these “excessive should” manifested in:

What should people do?

What should you do?

what should I do?

What should he do?”

The connection between these nurturers and their children is not through emotions, but through “requirements”, “right or wrong”, and “reason”. This will lead to the excessive guidance, exercise and development of the intellectual part of the child’s emotions and emotions. They have developed a lot of “reasonable” abilities, and then they continue to use this model to interact with others when they grow up, copying the model of connecting with people by “reasoning” in the early years, which makes people feel low EQ.

Excessive reasoning makes people feel that EQ is low because people who only reason can not see the existence of living people, and they can’t see the personality differences of each individual. They live stubbornly in certain principles. It is believed that people should abide by what he said. This will cause two consequences: division and coercion.

A person who only talks about reason is inevitably easy to live in division, because all the principles are easy to be right and wrong, and they are easy to be immersed in the right and wrong thinking of course. Of course, they are all righteous and confident that what they insist on is right, and others are wrong. Yes, or it is right to do so, then it is wrong to do so, so they often get into a situation of arguing about right or wrong with others. Not only that, when faced with some complex interpersonal relationships and more difficult problem scenes, right and wrong thinking will obviously expose the disadvantages, because since it involves complexity, it is impossible to be as simple as who is right and who is wrong.

People with right and wrong thinking are also easy to judge things and people. Therefore, people who are only reasonable are prone to a lot of rejection of themselves and others. They are saying “what should be done”, always giving themselves and Others make demands, but they can’t see the true self and others at all. They can’t integrate the good and bad aspects of people, so they will be very divided, and serious people may fall into paranoia.

A reasonable person is also the one who is most prone to compulsive behavior, because he only pays attention to the truth and believes in the “should” rule. When this kind of principle conflicts with their own feelings, they blindly adopt repressing their own feelings, or Let your own feelings give way to solving problems, which constitutes compulsion.

People who make themselves do things through compulsion cannot experience the joy of doing things themselves, and are easy to fall into mechanical and numbness. Sometimes this kind of compulsion can also cause a lot of inner conflicts in the parties-those emotional emotions that are suppressed by us. The struggle is being expressed subconsciously.

I usually use a horse and a rider to compare this relationship. A horse is an emotional feeling, and a rider is a requirement. A rider must understand the feelings and characteristics of his horse in order to better manage the horse and run towards the goal with the horse. ; And if the rider only pays attention to his own goals and requirements, completely ignores the horse’s feelings, blindly beats the horse, hoping that it will run hard, this way may break the horse, cause the horse to confront, and lead to awkwardness and low efficiency. situation.

In short, if the horse is not able to run happily, the horse’s potential cannot be used.

In the same way, people who force others to do things can easily arouse resistance from others and make themselves and others unhappy.


The key to communication is “understanding”.

Excessive reasoning cannot promote understanding of people. The essence of communication is to understand others, and the prerequisite for understanding others is to understand yourself first.

If we live excessively in various truths, we will not be able to understand ourselves, because our perspective must first judge “Is this right or not”, “I shouldn’t be like this”, instead of “Why should I be? In this way, “what do I want”, “what I do will make me happy” are based on the perspective of understanding myself.

In a word, excessive principles and requirements are building myself around an external object (requirements of the early nurturers). In this construction, my feelings and needs are not important. I must develop myself around this external object, otherwise I just don’t make sense and shouldn’t.

People who live in the principle cannot accept the real existence, nor can they accept the true self and others, they can only accept the truth.

When people do not accept reality, they cannot develop the ability to “understand”, because the premise of understanding is to first accept, accept the authenticity, legitimacy, and rationality of themselves and others’ emotional feelings, and then try to develop understanding of themselves. Understanding the ability of others constitutes emotional intelligence.

Therefore, the premise of high EQ is: You must first accept the rationality and legitimacy of emotional feelings, and then analyze the reasons behind it.

From criticism to acceptance means that people have to develop a kind of ability: the ability to integrate. Integrate the good and the bad, the right and the wrong, and look at the problem objectively from a holistic perspective.

According to the psychologist Melanie Klein: Integration ability is a very important ability in people’s psychological development. People who have not developed to the integration stage will have their mental development stagnated in paranoia-schizophrenia, which means that children It is impossible to integrate the good and bad aspects of the mother in the feeling, so the view of the world stays in a split.

The development of integration ability depends on the premise that children must be able to confirm that they are good psychologically, because only when they are confirmed that they are good, we can bear the bad side of the mother. Then this depends on the feelings and beliefs that mothers always have to convey to their children: mothers love you, you are good, and you have no problem. When there is this basic guarantee, the child will not suspect that he has a problem, and he will build a basic sense of trust in the world. At this time, if the mother has some bad things, he also has the ability to bear it. Good and bad can be integrated-Mom is a good and bad person, but she loves me. Then he tried to understand the reason for the bad side of his mother.

In a word, only those who have resolved “self-identity” have the ability to understand others. However, a person who only talks about reason is obviously still at the stage where he needs to use reason to identify himself. He cannot confirm that he is good, and therefore he does not have the mental space and ability to understand others.

And “self-identity” is the “mental hunger” problem that I mentioned in my previous article on emotional intelligence.

Regarding emotional intelligence, this may be an article that subverts your perception


Principles and requirements are something that we are instilled by the outside world in the process of growing up. It is actually not your thing, but more of some requirements raised by parents and the outside world. These requirements may not meet you or may not be suitable for you. You may even I never thought that they might be unreasonable, or why you must meet these requirements and live according to these requirements. They are just because you did this when you were a child, and your parents recognized it, so you continue to maintain a certain inertia.

It may also be said that when you were young, you obtained the love and approval of your parents by observing these principles and requirements, confirming that you are a good child, and confirming me in a good way.

In a word, you need to be very sensible and correct in exchange for the love and approval of your parents.

But when you do this, you suppress a lot of fear of not being loved and recognized in your heart: afraid that you are wrong and ignorant, and if you have no reason, these love and recognition will disappear, so you always need to force yourself to be in reason. In front of your own feelings, you give priority to these principles, rather than respecting your own emotions and feelings, and accepting the rationality of emotions and feelings.

Just like when we were young, our parents always refused to accept the rationality of our emotions and emotions, and always judged that we should not be like this or that. For example, children should not be greedy, children should not make adults angry, children should not cry, and children should be polite. .

They never tried to understand:

Why are we gluttonous?

Why should we do something to make adults angry?

Why do we cry sometimes? When do we cry and what happened?

Why are we not polite? What happened?

These ignorance and even denial of emotions and feelings prevent our true self from developing, and make us always afraid that once we do not comply with those requirements and principles, we are not good enough. We are still at the stage of justifying ourselves to certain standards, just like the kid back then.

But in fact, any of your behaviors are reasonable. Don’t children just be greedy? Why can’t children make adults angry? Why can’t children cry? Why should children be polite? How can they be polite?

These requirements and rules can actually be changed. Because the perspective is different, the required requirements and rules are completely different. It is at this point that there is no absolutely correct truth, only starting from a certain angle and the needs of a certain person. Temporary and partial views.

However, when we were young, we were deprived of the opportunity to insist on our feelings and speak our views. We were forced to obey the requirements and principles of adults, and were forced to implement them. As a result, we lost the development of paying attention to our own feelings and understanding. The ability to know oneself, know oneself, and understand the world more objectively.

In other words, your understanding of the world, opinions and principles must be combined with your own feelings, so that the ability of the developed perspective will not be just an empty truth or a rigid requirement, it will be flexible The one that can be adjusted at any time, rather than being forced or either.

Recognizing that the perspectives of others are different from one’s own, and distinguishing these, we can understand others more than judge whether they are right or not, so that we can enter the stage of understanding from the argument.

Yes, when you try to understand, your emotional intelligence has the potential to improve.

In essence, EQ is the ability to understand, analyze, and cope with emotions and feelings.

But first, to improve this, you have to put aside the truth, put aside right and wrong, and then pay attention to your feelings.