When dealing with people, you may have encountered such a situation:
I have met a new friend. You think the conversation is very speculative and you want to have in-depth contacts with the other party. But afterwards, I found that the other party was getting colder and colder towards you. So you feel very confused and don’t understand why.
This is a common situation in interpersonal relationships. You feel happy to talk to each other, but the other party alienates you. In fact, any problem has a reason. When you can’t find the reason, it is probably because you have looked in the wrong direction.
For example, when chatting, we sometimes pay too much attention to the content of the conversation and ignore the way of speaking. Among the ways of speaking, the most easily overlooked is the tone.
As we shared before when discussing communication, communication contains two meanings:
One is the content of communication, that is, what is being discussed.
The second is the emotion of communication, which is the feelings of each other.
What two people said during a chat, what truth they said, people will quickly forget when time passes, but you will remember the feelings of others in the process of speaking for a long time.
The tone of a person’s speech hides his attitude towards the other person.
Many boys have discovered this situation when they are getting along with girls. No matter what the two people are talking about, don’t raise their voices. Once the voice is loud, the girl will ask:
“What is your attitude?”
So no matter what the issue was discussed before, after that, it will focus on whether boys pay attention to girls or not care about this matter.
Therefore, a positive tone will make the other party feel respected and valued; a negative tone will make the other party feel neglected, which creates a sense of distance.
So, what tone of speech will make others feel bad?
“Didn’t I tell you before?”
“You can do something so simple now?”
Imagine if someone spoke to you in the above tone, how would you feel? Unhappy, at least uncomfortable. Because when someone speaks to you in a rhetorical tone, it will make you feel that the other person is scorning and mocking you.
“You fool, why don’t you even understand this.”
A rhetorical question is a rebuttal. It conveys a message: I am right and you are wrong; and you are not only wrong, but also ridiculously wrong. It is conceivable what kind of harm this will cause to others’ feelings.
Therefore, whether you are chatting with others or talking about things, you should use rhetorical questions carefully.
“Hey, use your things for me”
“Go and like my circle of friends, hurry up!”
If a person is neither your superior nor your elders, but just an ordinary friend, how would you feel when speaking to you in a commanding tone when asking you to help do something?
I’m afraid it is nothing more than these: inexplicable, unhappy, angry.
The tone of the command is saying that I am the strong and you are the weak. I can control you at will, and you must obey me. When you talk to people in a commanding tone, you will give people a strong sense of oppression. No one likes this unequal, crushed feeling, so, except for a few unavoidable circumstances, no one is willing to accept this tone.
Many people who think they are outspoken often make mistakes on this issue.
“Count me wrong, right?”
“I can’t help you think so.”
The tone of impatience is to say that you are a trouble, you are a problem, and you make me unhappy. This is a very offensive expression. Although some people seem to be compromising on the surface, once they express it in an impatient tone, they will feel that it is not the case.
When communicating, there is a concept called consistent communication, which means that when we express a meaning, the content of the speech and the tone and body language of the speech should be consistent, so that the other party can be convinced. If they are inconsistent, it will increase the mistrust of the other party.
An impatient tone is most likely to give people a sense of inconsistency. When a person says “Okay! Okay!” while being impatient, all you remember is the other’s impatience.
Impatience expresses a kind of dislike, no one likes to be disliked, so don’t use the tone of impatience lightly.
The above three tones can bring negative feelings to others, in the final analysis, lies in the basic respect for others. People who often use these tones are either too ego, lack of empathy, and only care about whether they are painful, and not the feelings of others; or they care too much about things and ignore that the recipient is a sentimental person, thus unknowingly hurt To others without knowing it.
The tone is very subtle, but very important, and the effect of the speech will be very different if the tone is different. If you use a tone of trust, respect and negotiation when talking with others, it will be difficult to make others dislike you.