When you are chatting with your friend, you obviously care about him, but you always feel that the topic can’t go on. The other party except um, ah, and then there is no more;
Or you find that your child’s father seems to spend less time with the child than the child spends time with you, but the child will inexplicably like to chat with his father.
When you are aware of these problems, the culprit in all this may be because you don’t ask questions at all.
How do some people talk to death?
I was invited by a friend to go to her new greenhouse. I rang the doorbell and wanted to surprise her with her favorite perfume lily. After the door opened, I heard a male voice say: “Who is this? How much does it cost to spend such a large bouquet?!” As I expected, it was her husband. I laughed a little awkwardly before entering the door.
After my friend was busy in the dining room and living room, several of the girlfriends she invited were served by her husband. It can be seen that her husband is a very enthusiastic person, but I just don’t know why the one-to-two dialogue is always uncomfortable.
For example, he would say to his wife who is busy in the kitchen: “Why can’t you stew that chicken earlier?”
He would ask my 37-year-old girlfriend next to me: “Why on earth are you not getting married?”
When his four-year-old son came and asked for help to find him a toy, he would tease the child as he walked: “Why can’t you even do such a small thing?!”
Although he was very sincere when he said every word and smiled on his face, our group of girlfriends looked at each other and wished to finish eating and leave soon. It seems to understand my girlfriend better, why she has been living more and more like a bitter woman in recent years by an optimistic and cheerful girl.
People like my friend’s husband are not uncommon in life. They are not malicious when talking to people, but the information they send out makes the receiver feel very negative. Even if his intention is good intentions, it is always easy to hurt others.
It’s like the sentence he cared about my unmarried girlfriend, because he was actually very enthusiastic about introducing his unmarried male friend to her immediately after that sentence.
Since the questioning took a negative form, it destroyed the relationship with each other before expressing their kindness, and the psychological resistance of the other party had already risen, so I couldn’t listen to anything later.
Some people, talking to them will make you happy
Every one of us is dominated by questions every day
They are all questions, but the feelings are so different.
The Japanese writer Kyoichiro Azuzu called the questioning method in the first story as poor quality questioning in his “Learning to Ask Questions”, and the questioning method in the second story as quality questioning.
We can also imagine the difference in the lives of people who insist on high-quality and low-quality questions. More importantly, high-quality questioning has a powerful force, which can change the life trajectory of oneself and the people around them, and make them develop in a better direction.
Why is this happening?
First of all, we have to face the reality that each of us is dominated by questions every day.
In psychology, the famous selective attention experiment “the invisible gorilla”. At the beginning of watching the film, the tester was asked: “How many times did the person in white pass the ball?” Under such a question, the viewer consciously focused on the “person in white”. Body, so few people noticed a chimpanzee next to him.
Obviously, this is not a problem of vision. This fully proves that if our brain pays too much attention to a certain point, it is difficult to enter other information. Human consciousness can be controlled by questions. Once the questions are changed, the visible things will also be Changes.
Therefore, questioning has the power to force thinking.
When we are asked abruptly, the moment we hear the question, we will start thinking, but such questioning will make the brain’s thinking work wrong, which will cause unpleasant emotions, so we put the other party “not polite”. Lack of education” label.
On this basis, a positive question with a goal will naturally bring about a positive relationship, and the other party is willing to answer, and it is also possible to make new discoveries to yourself in the process of answering your question;
On the contrary, a negatively targeted question will destroy the relationship, make the other party unwilling to answer or even black out you.
Different questioning methods determine different lives
So how can I keep asking quality questions and win the love of others, so as to give positive energy to each other’s relationship? Several characteristics of quality questions are:
Let the questioned person have new discoveries;
The goal of high-quality questioning is to lead to a positive future, not a graded past;
Ask open rather than closed questions.
To meet the above characteristics, it can be obtained through the following steps:
1. Start with a question word, the specific point is 5W1H in English.
Why: Reason When: Time Where: Place Who: Person What: Object How: Method
2. Use questions to help the other party find his internalized ideals and values, that is, lead the other party to the future.
The so-called “ideal” refers to the state that a person hopes to achieve, what he really desires, and what he really wants to try. “Value” refers to the values that a person values when judging things.
3. Combine the first and second steps. This will allow the other person to think about how to combine the path under their feet with the future goals, and how to take this path better.
If such a sentence pattern is used in daily communication with children, it is to create “questions that can be internalized in the children’s heart”, and the effect will often be immediate.
For example: my daughter in the third grade of elementary school is doing homework, and she has done it for two hours and has not finished it.
Mom came over and asked: “Why haven’t you finished it yet?” Or said, “Why don’t you even have such a simple question?”
The question format at the beginning of “how” is reprimanded by the child.
If the child is asked repeatedly like this for a long time, maybe her inner voice is: “How can I not even this, it is a waste!” Naturally, the sense of self-worth will become lower and lower.
And if the father comes to ask some questions that can stimulate the child’s curiosity, such as:
“What difficulties are you encountering now?” “If you want to answer this question, where do you think you should start?”
“What about drawing this arithmetic into a picture?”
Even in a relaxed environment in the future, you can continue to ask: “How do you want mom and dad to do your homework?”
“What basic skills do you think you need to have if you want to be your ideal self?”
Under such constant questioning, these questions will be buried in the children’s hearts like seeds, gradually internalized, and every time they encounter difficulties, they think: “How can I work hard to do it?” instead of “How can I do it?” I can’t even do this.”
People can overcome most difficulties as long as they have hope for the future.
People who are currently troubled by troubles or problems can come up with solutions to solve the problems as long as they have expectations for their own future.
To this end, the best way to do this is to create questions that can create a vision for the future. Your question may make people who are troubled by a certain problem suddenly realize that you will be remembered by your relatives or friends.
More importantly, if we can use such questions to ask ourselves, what is impossible in our future?
Ask yourself; “What do you really want to do?”