Let’s look at another example: I started to hate my job, but I still stay because I don’t think I can leave – I need money; or work experience on resume; or I am afraid I can’t find another job ;Or my family will be angry with me. I felt trapped, so I became angry and resentful.
Here, we must first admit to ourselves. “The reason why I am angry and resentful is because I chose to stay in a sense of security.”
In doing so, I am not questioning the right or wrong of this choice-I am simply admitting the facts, which may be unconscious. When I became aware of the facts, my anger had begun to calm down a bit, because I was beginning to take responsibility and get rid of the role of victim.
Then I can be more specific and point out the reason why I hate this job-is it because I feel unappreciated, or dull, or stressed, or restricted? Or other reasons.
Whatever the reason, the next step is to understand that I have a choice in how I view the status quo. I can tell myself that my boss or colleague is a bastard, or that this job is detrimental to face, or that it is too demanding, or that there is no promotion opportunity, etc. In any of the above scripts, I am a victim-I cannot change the situation.
Or I can muster up the courage to admit that these are just my own reactions to the situation-this does require courage, because the mind will constantly try to pull me back to the accusations and complaints about the situation, which is much easier. .
If I am responsible for these reactions that are actually my own, then I can try to find the culprit, why I feel dull, angry, unappreciated, stressed, etc., and then see if I can change my way .
I can start asking myself, “Is it true that someone else will have the same reaction?” I need to be honest with myself. Is it possible that the same situation will not pose a problem for some people? If so , I can ask myself “Why do I react like this?”
And this will completely pull the responsibility back to myself, so I have a choice, and compared to the victim role, this is a state that makes me more powerful.
For example, I can ask myself, what beliefs caused my stress? What kind of unconscious message did I give myself that made me stumble and run around like a headless chicken? If I slow down, there will be What’s the worst thing to happen? What do I need to believe so that I don’t feel stressed in this situation?
If I feel unappreciated or not respected, I can ask myself, do I appreciate and respect myself? How can I appreciate what I do more? Those who do the same job, if they respect themselves and don’t care much about others How would they feel about their thoughts and treatment? If they were satisfied with themselves, what would their behavior be like?
If I am feeling bored, I can ask myself, what makes me bored? If I use this job as a way to practice being completely present, or be aware of myself more moment by moment, will it be boredom? Can I really not find any satisfaction in this job? If my colleagues make me angry, I can ask myself, are they really so uncomfortable? Instead of focusing on shortcomings, they really don’t have any positive qualities that can make me Focus on it? I might even find that I am actually a little jealous of them.
And even if they are outright rascals, what does it have to do with me? Why do I have to react to it? For example, someone is very domineering, if I can accept this as a fact without criticizing it, then this It’s just their nature, I don’t need to treat it as an attack against me, nor do I need to react. It’s like treating them as being overweight, dyed red hair, or have a special hobby of dressing.
They have their own reasons for this appearance, and maybe I am not perfect, but in any case, how they are has nothing to do with me. If I can really hold this attitude, it will give me the possibility to become more natural and relaxed, and it will also make people around me feel more natural and relaxed.
So… once I am ready to take responsibility for my reaction, there will be many possibilities to explore. And this is a fascinating and deeply relieved process. Relief comes from when I became aware of the unconscious concepts that have manipulated my life so far, I relieved them of their power over me.
The power of unconscious ideas lies in hiding, in our unconscious cooperation. Once they are realized, we can choose not to continue feeding them, but to choose more conscious and intelligent ideas.
If I can’t do this, then I have another option-I can leave my job. That means I am responsible for the fact-I cannot cope with this situation, or do not want to change my attitude-do not criticize myself for this, I can take a risk and find another job.
If I don’t want this option, or if for some reason I feel that I cannot do it, there is one last option. I can tell myself: these are the facts of the status quo-I am working with people I have decided not to like them, or I am working in an environment where I feel stressed or bored or not appreciated (note here Sense of responsibility). And I am choosing to stay in this situation. (This is the hardest piece to swallow, isn’t it—but it’s true.)
Then, I can continue to complain about my work, angry and frustrated, because I want things to be different, but I know that things will not change, or I want colleagues to be different, but I know how to criticize them It has nothing to do with me at all. In other words, I can continue to live with pain and be a victim.
Or I can accept that this is the case, and I chose to stay anyway. Because it is my own choice, if the situation continues to irritate me,…who should be blamed?
When we admit that it is impossible, and there is no excuse to blame something other than us, a sense of relaxation will follow, and we may even laugh. Something inside has changed, and we can feel the difference. Try it yourself.
To get out of the problem, first get out of your head
Looking at the problem from different angles and seeing the situation more clearly helps to stay away from the mind that creates “problems”. Meditation is a technique that helps to reach it, because meditation shifts you from the mind to the experiencer. A meditation method is described at the end of this chapter to experiment with this.
If you can stand outside the mind and the stories it creates for the situation and observe from different angles, you will be able to clearly see and understand how your mind creates problems for the situation.
Then you have the opportunity to get out of the “problems” created by your mind because of fear, and then just deal with the reality of the situation. Because far away from the hobby of mind drama creation, the only thing left is the situation itself.
If you can see the status quo through the eyes of others, an external observer, you will see the solution. The solution has always been in the situation itself, as long as you can see the situation clearly.
The first and most important step is to admit that I do not accept the situation and hope that things will be different, thus creating the “problem” by myself. And it is necessary to admit that the situation will not become different, that the situation is an existing reality.
To admit this is to say “yes, it is like this”, and then all the struggles and the efforts made in different situations from the expectations have fallen. Ah–, a deep breath came up, and what followed, what followed was a great opportunity for you to reverse the situation!
You can find out what is satisfactory in the situation
This is the last step of our practice-see how I can get some satisfaction from my work status. See even in this imperfect situation, at least it gives me some fun and there is always something, if you look at it sincerely.
But finding something satisfactory is not easy, is it? As we saw earlier, the mind gains strength by creating problems, and it becomes a lot weaker when you are relaxed and at ease.
But if you are really ready to stop your mind and do this again—ready to stop complaining—if you have opened yourself to new horizons, you will find that satisfaction and beauty exist in any situation.
It’s like talking about the weather-I hope it’s different today. It should not rain. I can be extremely unhappy about this-I can get lost in my head, thinking that my plan is ruined by bad weather. I can feel frustrated or even angry, but can this change the weather? No.
On the contrary, we can face reality and say: It’s raining, so I can’t do what I planned. What nourishing and satisfying things can I do instead? Maybe I can stay at home comfortably, maybe I can dance in the rain, or do something that has been delayed for a long time; or I can allow myself to simply Enjoy the state of doing nothing.
Or it’s like saying that I shouldn’t have this kind of physical or psychological barrier-I should be different, you can get lost in the fate of the world, but can this change you is your fact? This can change your life Is it an unfair fact sometimes?
Rather, I can admit to myself: some of my obstacles prevent me from doing something. Instead of continuing the complaint that doesn’t change the facts, I can see what I can do. What can I find in my life that is nourishing me and giving me a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment?
And satisfaction comes from such simple things–a smile from someone; when you are thirsty, you enjoy the water flowing through your throat, and you suddenly face a fresh breeze in the hot weather; you slip into a warm bed in the cold night; there is no reason or expectation to return. Do something for someone; let the body relax in the chair in the most comfortable position; gaze at a flower and enjoy the aroma, taste and texture of the first cup of coffee in the morning… If we know how to find it, in any moment There are so many satisfying things.