When you complain to someone, the most annoying thing is being given advice. When others complain to you, the easiest thing for you is to give advice.
Sometimes you just want to talk. But it will receive a lot of suggestions. I suggest this thing, it always feels painless or itchy. People are right, but you just feel that something is held back. Sometimes I want him not to make suggestions, but they are right. Sometimes I don’t want to listen anymore, but you take the initiative to complain.
The result is more uncomfortable.
Another phenomenon is that you find that the words you often comfort others are useless on your own!
Why do we like to give advice when others complain, complain, or negative energy?
We are anxious.
The complaints of others mean that he had a bad life, encountered bad things, and was in a bad mood. Originally this was his business, and it had nothing to do with us. But when facing others in a bad mood, we subconsciously ask ourselves:
He needs me very much, and I want to comfort him.
But what to do, I don’t know what you should do. I’m not you, why are you telling me this. I am annoying myself, your difficulties are beyond my professional field. I am all a feather, and I have to take care of you, sympathize with you, understand you, and comfort you.
What to do, the pressure is so great.
So in fact, it’s not the negative energy of others that makes you annoying, but your inner thought of “I want to comfort him” that makes you annoying.
You take the complaints of others as demands of you.
If you can have boundaries and make it clear that other people’s complaints are other people’s business, it has nothing to do with you. You don’t have to comfort him and help him, so you won’t feel annoyed.
You just need to watch him quietly and be unhappy, you can still be happy.
But at this time, if you are too great, you will feel guilty.
There is a mental illness called “Unhappiness Syndrome”. I invented vocabulary.
When you see that others are unhappy, you panic. When my mother saw the child crying, she started to get annoyed: why did she cry again. Because she was asking herself to coax him, but she didn’t want to. Self-compulsiveness is uncomfortable, and it manifests itself as annoyance.
As if others are unhappy, I have some responsibilities and obligations. When others are unhappy, I’m still out of the picture, I’m just like a bad guy.
If others are unhappy, just listen and just watch. Why do we have to plug in?
The narcissism in our subconscious is:
He can’t get out by himself.
In our subconscious mind, he is too bitter. It’s so pathetic. We don’t believe that others have the ability to digest unhappiness, and we don’t believe that they can comfort themselves.
Because we ourselves only have the ability to suppress unhappiness, but not the ability to digest. So we would mistakenly think that neither of them.
Then why did he tell me?
This is exactly how he digested! Speaking is digesting.
What if it sounds annoying.
Listening to other people’s complaints, some annoyance is something you don’t realize You think you are listening, but deep down in your heart, you are already beginning to resist. As soon as your anxiety comes up, you want to do something to ease your anxiety.
What to do? Suggestions.
This action can make others shut up and look very polite. As for whether the suggestion is effective, whether it is really good for you, it doesn’t matter to me.
People think about “why” in their emotions, but it is recommended to directly pull the topic to “how to do”.
What I think emotionally is, why did he hurt me, why I am so miserable, why he treats me this way, how can he betray me so much, how can I be so stupid. It shouldn’t be like this, why is it like this?
People are full of doubts and need to clarify themselves through telling.
If you interrupt, skip the question, and it’s the behavior.
This cross collision of the brain short-circuited. Can’t continue thinking about the original problem. The complainer needs more energy to respond to you: But…, but….
Emotions were forced to temporarily interrupt and further suppressed.
Therefore, giving suggestions when complaining is the best way to silence others.
Even if he doesn’t want to shut up and feels that you don’t understand him, he will turn sadness into anger, so you don’t have to face “poor him”. The angry him is much easier for you to accept than the poor him.
Don’t take the advice of others seriously. Because he just doesn’t want to listen anymore, he quickly advises you.
In fact, the best way for others to complain, complain, and negative energy is to listen.
Two important elements of listening: understanding and boundaries.
To understand is to put yourself in place and feel his pain. Then use a clear thread to help him sort out what’s wrong.
This is not a brutal analysis. Many beginners in psychology especially like brutal analysis, saying a lot of “because…”. Understanding is to ask questions, to ask questions based on his feelings.
Through good questions, let him speak clearly.
The limit is to lend your emotions, but don’t get involved in your emotions. The purpose of empathy is that you mobilize your relevant experience to understand part of him, and then you also have such emotions at this moment, so you know how to ask questions.
But don’t get involved in emotions. Just understand that part of him. Don’t mobilize new emotions because of your high expectations. “Want to comfort him” is an excessive emotion. Bringing my wounds over is also involved in emotions.
If there is no way to understand, you can pretend to understand.