February 26, 2021

Psychology: Why dare not to reject others?

In fact, the psychology of being afraid of saying “no” is a kind of psychological projection to see others based on one’s own subjectivity. Because saying “no” may not be able to hurt others. In essence, I can’t stand being rejected in my heart, so I think (external projection) that others can’t stand rejection and dare not reject others. The inner feeling of being afraid of saying “no” mainly comes from the following aspects:-

1. Rejection trauma

People who are afraid to say “no” must “don’t allow you” too much in their past experience and interpersonal environment. In the atmosphere of “no you”, people’s thinking and thoughts are restricted, and it is difficult to have autonomy and creativity. What people do is invisibly controlled by a force, and they always hear and suffer “You can’t… “You don’t want…” “If you don’t…you will…”, the mind contains content related to “no”. In order to meet the requirements of “no” and avoid punishment for violating “no”, a person’s personality Will gradually form a high sensitivity to “no”, he has to obey the authority, and hates and hostile to the authority “Don’t you”, he experiences all kinds of anxiety of “no, no, no, no” in his heart. This is the original trauma of being afraid of rejection under the influence of cultural taboos.

2. Dependence and separation anxiety

People have dependence or dependence complex, but the object, nature and degree of dependence are different. Human dependence is highly related to separation anxiety, that is, if you are overly dependent on someone or something, you are bound to have the anxiety of losing him (it). The second knot of the fear of saying “no” is human dependence and separation anxiety. This anxiety not only refers to the original anxiety of mother-infant separation, but also refers to people’s dependence on imitators and separation anxiety after socialization. –



Because in the growth of a person’s consciousness, it is very necessary for important people to pay attention to and affirm the spirit of the personality. If he does not get enough recognition, neglected low self-esteem will be buried in his heart, and a desire to seek attention will arise.

Some children’s “hyperactivity disorder” is an expression of seeking you to pay attention to me. The original meaning of his attention to my desire is “you should pay attention to me and admit that I am as good as other children!”. Since childhood, people have relied on the praises of important relationships, relying on other people’s opinions on “How am I, am I important?”, and never like that relationship characters are always irritating to you, “You are annoying!” “You always Is not obedient!” “Behave!” attention.

3. Heavy and fragile self-esteem

Excessive self-esteem comes from the influence of Eastern philosophy. Chinese Buddhism, Confucianism, and Taoism culture have a profound sense of shame, which has caused Chinese people to attach great importance to the “etiquette and solar terms” of being a person, and the “face” of people. These cultures are profound It affects the thoughts and psychology of generation after generation. But modern society still pays attention to “face project”. It can be said that “people live a face and a tree live a skin” is the collective unconscious complex of Chinese people.

“Mianzi” in Chinese culture: I am in the eyes of others, that is, you must be concerned about face and decent when you do anything, and you must not let others poke your spine in the back. You must be concerned about the impact of your actions on others and the impact of others on yourself. view. This is a norm of interpersonal behavior formed by culture, which is essentially a need for self-esteem. –

Shame culture forms the shackles that bind him. Some people are not free in a face-conscious cultural environment due to their weak personality and low self-esteem, and suffer from interpersonal anxiety. This kind of person lives in the impression of others, and his self-concept is based on the evaluation of others, and his personality determines that he will pay great attention to the behavioral responses of others, including the needs of others, in interpersonal communication. If he cares about and satisfies others, he will naturally get the goodwill, good attitude and good evaluation of others, and he will feel valued, feel that he is doing it right, and he has a sense of accomplishment!

This kind of self-affirmation comes from people who are affirmed by others, and cannot be denied in front of others, that is, they are afraid to say “no”. Because denying others means denying oneself, which will cut off the source of affirmation (object of self-evaluation) to see who oneself is. Therefore, he fully felt his own existence and the value of existence in the “pleasure” of being responsive to others.



Since “to please” is at the expense of self-repression, he will inevitably feel that he is living for others and will gradually have the desire to reject others, but he wants to refuse. Because of his inner weakness and insecurities, he is unable to bear the fear of “in case of rejection”, and his subconscious desire to “please” makes him unwilling to lose the praise and favor of others. Only “please” can feel himself He is a good person, and only by achieving “pleasure” can he be relieved of his social anxiety.

Of course, his psychological reality is that either he took care of his self-esteem (face) and aggrieved his inner freedom, or he took care of his inner freedom and hurt face (self-esteem). But under normal circumstances, he would rather endure humiliation than lose face. China’s wine culture is enough to show that it is difficult for people in the interpersonal society to “reject” people.

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