In the process of struggling with homosexuality, a question that often troubles me is why I am a homosexual among all beings? I have read many books, but none of them can give me satisfactory answers. I have been troubled by this problem for a long time, and I feel like a doctor who is helpless with the condition. I don’t know the root cause of the condition, how can I cure it? On the surface, I can control my behavior, just like controlling the deterioration of the condition. .
Let me first declare that the emergence of homosexuality is a complicated subject. Regardless of the physiological factors of homosexuality, I believe that no set of theories is fully applicable to all homosexuals, because each homosexual has a different family background, life experience, personality, etc. But in the process of counseling homosexuals, we found that they all have two very significant things in common, that is, their relationship with same-sex parents and their childhood sexual assault.
1. Distance from same-sex parents
Before Dr. Elizabeth Moberly published her monograph, many psychologists and psychiatrists believed that homosexuality was caused by the too close relationship between homosexuals and heterosexual parents, which led to their identification with heterosexual parents rather than same-sex parents. In addition, homosexuals are therefore consistent with their mother’s psychology and seek protection from men. The statistics of these psychologists and psychiatrists also show that the mothers of gay men are mostly in the category of overspoiling them, independent, and tough. Most of their fathers are introverted, unsmiling, not very close to their children, or even alienated.
Dr. Elizabeth Moguli believes that too much identification with opposite-sex parents is the result of homosexuality rather than the cause. She believes that homosexuality arises from the breakdown of the relationship between homosexuals and same-sex parents, and homosexuals hope to make up for this shortcoming through homosexual relationships or romance.
What causes the boy’s relationship with his father to be alienated? The answer is manifold. The most common factor is that the father is busy making money and does not have time to get along with the children. Over time, the relationship between the two parties will become more and more distant. Or maybe it’s some reason that the father didn’t like his child much at the beginning, such as the child’s stubborn character, or blamed the child for business failure. In many cases, it is also because of the children themselves. Some children are too sensitive. Sometimes it is not that the father does not love him, but that he himself feels that his father does not love him, so he takes the initiative to alienate him. Sai Rogers is a good example. This is the relationship between the character of the child and has nothing to do with the father. Many people ask me why I grew up in the same family, one of them will become gay, but the other is completely normal? One of the answers, I think, may be related to the character of the child. For example, a child may be more sensible. Knowing that my father does not have time to spend time with himself, but because he is busy at work does not mean that his father is not immune to him. The other child may be too sensitive to accept the alienation of his father. Another possible reason is that the two boys were treated differently, which caused psychological deviation. As far as I am concerned, the relationship between me and my father is different from the relationship between my brother and father. My brother and father have similar personalities, so they get along better. I often feel that I am incompatible with my father and cannot be close to him, as in the Bible, Jacob is closer to his mother Rebekah and Esau is closer to his father Isaac.
We believe that if a boy wants to grow into a real man smoothly and normally from birth, he needs to have a close relationship with his father in addition to maternal love and a harmonious relationship between his parents. Because as a boy, his father is his true role model. Only the father can make him truly feel proud of his gender. He needs to identify with his father and obtain his father’s love, care and approval. Without these, he would feel like a duckweed, without a sense of security and direction.
Many homosexuals are unable to identify with same-sex parents for some reason: on the contrary, they excessively identify with opposite-sex parents, and some even show masculine or feminine behavior. I am a good example. At school age, except for those with more withdrawn personality, ordinary children are more likely to make friends with children of the same sex, and relatively distant from the opposite sex. This is a natural phenomenon. We rarely hear that elementary school students have a keen interest in the opposite sex when they were in elementary school. This will happen only when they are in middle school.
In middle school, because the body begins to develop, they also have sexual urges, and many children will start to become interested in the opposite sex. Many homosexuals have been alienated from their same-sex friends when they were in elementary school, or their personalities, feminine behavior, masculine relationships, etc., make them stay at the stage where they hope to be close to the same sex. Therefore, they have no interest in the opposite sex at all. On the contrary, they are interested in the same sex; also because of the beginning of physical development, this interest may be “sexualized”, which makes them have sexual fantasies about the same sex. Many homosexuals told me that their sexual intercourse with the same sex started around in middle school, and this is also true of me. If not stopped, this phenomenon will continue into youth, adulthood, middle age and even old age.
The experience of myself and many other homosexuals whom I wish to come into contact with also confirms that the breakdown of relationships with same-sex parents is the biggest cause of homosexuality. More than 90% of gays and lesbians who come to decision-making agencies for counseling have a long way to go with their parents. The International Exodus Organization and the decision-making agency I serve also use this as the starting point to help homosexuals overcome homosexuality-that is, to make up for the lack of relationships with same-sex parents through normal rather than romantic or sexual relationships.
We believe that homosexuals’ pursuit of homosexuality and intimate relationships is not only correct but also necessary. Homosexuals are alienated from their same-sex parents due to some reasons, so that they cannot obtain the love, encouragement, understanding and recognition of same-sex parents.To make up for this shortcoming, in addition to re-establishing relationships with same-sex parents as much as possible, they also Need to establish healthy and close relationships with other people of the same sex. It is a pity that homosexuals are either completely alienated from the same sex, or are looking forward to or have a romantic or sexual relationship with the same sex. One of the most important lessons for them to learn is to establish a close but healthy relationship with the same sex, learn how to control themselves, and avoid romanticizing or sexualizing this relationship.
Similarly, the greatest help non-homosexual men in the church can give homosexuals is to build close friendships with them. Unfortunately, the church often shy away from someone after knowing that they are gay. In many cases, it is because of prejudice. They may think that homosexuality is a very sinful thing, and they are afraid that they will be tarnished when they interact with these people. Some parents even do not allow their children to have any contact with these people. This is like homosexuals who are lepers and must be isolated. If Jesus Christ is in our church today, he doesn’t know how much heartache he will feel about our attitude towards homosexuals, because it is so far away from his attitude towards those in need when he was alive. I beg the church members, after knowing these people, to be like our Lord Jesus and extend a hand of friendship to them instead of rejecting them.
2. Sexual assault
A survey conducted by the Choice Agency showed that among the people who came to the Choice Agency for counselling, about 87% of men and 67% of women had been sexually assaulted before the age of 12. We believe that this is closely related to the emergence of homosexuality. Why does sexual assault have such a significant impact on a person’s psychological development?
For women, the men who violated them may be their neighbors, fathers, brothers, uncles, uncles or family friends. These people should be their protectors. Once they are violated by the person who should protect them, they will lose all trust in these people and all the men in the world. Naturally, they will also hate and loathe these people. In order to protect themselves, they will completely reject these people from their inner world and no longer have any trust in them. But we all know that it is a natural psychology of women to ask for protection. Without the protection of men, they will turn to the same sex. If the same sex they know has the same tendency, then it is easy for two people to fall into the trap of homosexuality.
Some women may not have been sexually assaulted, but they may experience some painful things in their lives, prompting them to conclude that men are unreliable things – for example, mothers are often beaten by alcoholic fathers at home, or they themselves Being abandoned by men again and again, these factors may cause homosexual psychology.
What about men?
It is a pity that the men who are sexually assaulted and their offenders are generally men. These people may also be their relatives, neighbors, and parents’ friends. Even the teacher waited. When they are sexually assaulted, they may not understand what it is all about at first, and the sexual assaults they suffer may be one-off or continuous. The biggest harm of sexual assault is that it makes a person confused about their gender and identity. A boy who has been sexually assaulted, when he thinks back about these things when he grows up, he may ask himself: “Why am I sexually assaulted by another man? Is it because I was born homosexual? “He may also remember that the whole process gave him a little pleasure when he was sexually assaulted. If there is guilt in the heart, it is only an afterthought. So they concluded that they must be homosexuals, otherwise how could they be sexually assaulted by men and get pleasure from the whole incident?
On the other hand, many gay men who have been sexually assaulted come from broken families and are particularly alienated from their fathers. If another man engages in intimate behavior with them, although sometimes they know that these are all wrong, but because these people satisfy their inner desire for care and love to a certain extent, although sex is not equal to these, but It is enough to be favored by another man. This will lead them to the wrong conclusion, that is to get love from the sexual aspect. Some people indulged in homosexual sex purely because they obtained sexual satisfaction and pleasure from the whole incident, and finally became unable to extricate themselves. I have read an article to the effect that if something you do brings you great satisfaction, although sometimes it is not a good thing, but if you do not control yourself, you may continue to do it, because satisfaction is Generally a strong driving force. I very much agree with this argument, and homosexual sex is a good example.