October 30, 2020

When we are afraid of being alone, what are we afraid of?

01

It is often said that they are particularly afraid of being alone and afraid of being alone. When loneliness comes, there is a sense of helplessness. So in order to escape loneliness, one will develop many ways to:

1. Want to find someone. I want someone to accompany myself, but I am also afraid of others leaving me, afraid of losing each other.

2. Special efforts. Especially afraid of bad performance, afraid of not being good enough, afraid of being ordinary, afraid of not attracting attention.

3. Especially pleased. Afraid of making others unhappy, fear of dissatisfaction with others, fear that others will not like yourself because of this.

4. Avoid social interaction. If I don’t communicate deeply with others, they won’t find me bad, and they won’t abandon me.

Many human actions are related to avoiding loneliness. And loneliness is related to fear, fear of being abandoned, fear of facing life alone, fear of being alone. When you are busy escaping from being alone, have you ever thought about:

What’s wrong with being alone?

A person is not necessarily alone. There are many unmarried people in this city, and they are often alone. It’s not that they can’t find someone, but they think there is no need to find someone, and they are living well. Why should they find someone to add trouble? Some of them don’t even have friends. They go to work every day, go to work after get off work, travel by themselves, or go to the hospital when they are sick. They don’t experience any loneliness, but feel very free. Some people even live alone, living alone, like a paradise, and comfortable.

A person’s state does not directly lead to loneliness. After a lot of dangerous associations with a person’s state, I feel lonely.

02

You can calm down and ask yourself a question: If others abandon you and you live alone, what associations would you have? What do you think will be bad?

Some people are very fragile inside, what they feel subconsciously is:

This world is very dangerous and there are many difficulties, and I cannot face this dangerous world alone. I need someone to protect me and help me so that I can survive safely. Although I can make money on my own now and take care of myself.

But I don’t know what unknown dangers and difficulties will happen in the future, so I can’t face it. What if there are any difficulties in the future that you cannot face?

Specifically, what are the difficulties? People who are afraid of a person rarely think about it carefully. When you feel it with your heart, you will feel it. Among the people I interviewed, there are some fears:

Fear of no money. Although I can make money now, I don’t know if I can continue to make money in the future, and I don’t know what will happen. If you run out of money, you will starve to death.

Fear of getting sick. Although you are healthy now, a person will always get sick. There is no one around you, even if there is no one who called you an ambulance, then you will die at home.

Fear that no one will take care of it. When you are lying in a hospital bed, you always need someone to intubate you, give you food, feed you, and handle the urinal. If no one takes care of you, you will be suffocated and starved to death on the hospital bed. .

Fear of exhaustion. There are so many problems in life that need to be dealt with. If you do everything alone, you have to cook by yourself, bring your own baby, work by yourself, do your own housework, and repair your own light bulbs. Life is so troublesome and difficult, and doing it yourself will be exhausting.

And other unexpected, weird ways of death that one can’t live alone.

03

Although in reality, you can live alone. But this simply cannot withstand the “what if” and “future” mountains. In these two mountains, people can create 10,000 fears for themselves and make them feel that they can’t live alone.

So people who are lonely and intolerant will have a lot of worries in their hearts.

If you observe loneliness, you will find that there is a helpless self inside, and you don’t know how to live alone. That feeling is too scary, so when I am alone, I especially want to catch someone to escape loneliness.

Some people are afraid that their partner will cheat, and some people are afraid that they will not love me anymore. In fact, this is also a superficial fear. If you ask deep down, you will find that there is still the fear of living alone.

Many people find someone to marry and maintain a marriage for the purpose of avoiding one’s feelings of helplessness. At this time marriage is a safe haven for them. Some people please and wrong themselves, but also to keep others and avoid a person’s sense of helplessness.

And to be afraid of the nature of a person is actually to want a person to rely on. I feel that I am too fragile to face this difficult world. The longing when lonely is to have someone to rely on.

Saying this does not mean that people cannot depend on others. People are social animals and of course they must depend on others. It’s just a healthy personality that can internalize one or some safe people and make him believe that someone will help him when he is in trouble, so he doesn’t need to deliberately spend energy to maintain such a relationship.

If you have someone in your heart, you can stay alone. If you have no one in your heart, you need to have someone outside at all times to prevent no one.

People who are afraid of loneliness have not internalized such a safe object in their hearts, so he usually has to search and maintain them all the time.

04

This fear is by no means groundless. This is the fear that begins in infancy.

For a baby, without the care of his mother, he will feel that the whole world is dark and dangerous. The baby cannot predict what will happen in the next moment, and he is safe only if he is attached to his mother. When the mother gives him better care, the baby will gradually internalize a safe object, thereby developing the ability to trust and the qualities of hope. He began to believe that when he was in danger, there would be a solution and someone would come to help me.

So people who are afraid of being alone can basically imagine that when he was born, he was no longer welcome. His mother was either disappointed in his birth, or very busy, and did not have time to care about him. Or he is not the crystallization of love. These may directly cause the mother to be insensitive to the baby’s needs.

The mother cannot be sensitive to the baby’s needs, and the baby is desperate. Faced with a desperate world, the baby can only grow up with fear and difficulty, yet he still has not internalized a person who can protect him. So when he grows up, he doesn’t believe that someone will come to help him when he is in trouble, so he wants to catch someone desperately, catching it first in form, so as to ensure that he can help me when I have any difficulties in the future. On the top.

In this way, this person can experience a sense of security.

Of course, if the mother is missing only in infancy. In the future, paying attention to the needs of the child will make him believe that he is important again, and this hole of security can also be filled. Even if the mother fails to do so, when a person grows up, if another powerful person can instill his important beliefs and the belief that he will not be left, he can also fill this part of the missing.

Attention, there are powerful people. Others just think you are important, but they don’t have the power to support you and protect you, which is useless.

05

Security is the most effective way to deal with loneliness. To develop a sense of security, you need to slowly start thinking:

Are you really incapable of protecting yourself?

Is the world really that dangerous?

Is there really no one to protect you when you need it?

When you start to discover that you have the ability to protect yourself in the future when you encounter any difficulties, or you start to believe that the future is not so dangerous, you are less afraid of being alone. If you start to believe that when you need it, you can find someone or many people to help you, protect you, and take care of you at any time, you are not so afraid of a person now.

But if you don’t believe these three questions, and you think it is true, then you are too pitiful.

A person is burdened with all of his life and walks alone. There is so much pressure and fear inside.