The famous love psychologist Dr. Tai Tashiro, through detailed scientific research, interprets real cases in real life, and proposes ways to find lasting love and happiness.
He believes that if you want to have a lifetime of happiness instead of just for a short time, the key is to understand the characteristics of an ideal partner, know what kind of dependence mode we belong to, and why we are confused by the other’s appearance or material conditions . At the same time, you must be able to identify potential danger signs in your partner’s personality and behavior, listen more to family members and relatives and friends, and don’t be blindly optimistic or arbitrarily, so that you can have long-term stable happiness.
There are two key issues to consider. First, what are your reasonable wishes for your partner? In addition, how should you distribute these wishes?
Strategy: Three characteristics should be proposed when looking for a lover.
You need to think carefully about which characteristics are necessary to ensure a long-term relationship, and then look for a partner who exceeds the average in these characteristics.
As an example:
Anna’s three conditions are: When a sexy, strong and Catholic boy, the candidate originally included 500 boys in the school.
Three wishes quickly reduced the number of qualified candidates:
Sexy boys should be better than 90% of people in appearance. In other words, out of 500 boys, only 50 can meet this standard.
The percentage of Catholics is 24%, which reduces the number of candidates from 50 to 12.
Boys in the school team account for only 10%, so the number of options for the strong option has been reduced from 12 to 1.2. To
In terms of probability, Jack is the product of Anna’s three wishes.
If one more wish is added, such as the hope that the other party supports the Republican Party, then in terms of probability, no one out of the entire 500 candidates can meet her criteria.
Researchers have found that if you have too many demands on your partner, then your “crazy buying lover traits” approach will cost you a huge price.
Two scientists wrote a paper in this area. Through the analysis of massive data, they found that most singles choose their partners by accident rather than intentionally.
Although singles rack their brains to fantasize about their ideal partner, the partner that most people ultimately choose is often far from their ideal type.
One of the reasons why the process of partner selection has such a high degree of randomness is that singles have too many requirements for traits. Through probability calculations, it can be known that most of their requirements for the opponent’s traits are impossible to achieve.
There is a formula called: Drake formula
This formula is used to estimate the number of planets with life in the universe. This method uses the elimination method to narrow the range of options to reduce the number of options available.
Two NPR reporters used this formula to find the other half: the 600,000 people living in Boston. They quickly realized that from the perspective of heterosexual men, they must reduce this number to half, because of the 600,000 population, about 300,000 are men. If the condition of “female age between 20 and 40” is added, the number of 300,000 people will be further reduced to about 100,000. Coupled with the standard of “has a college degree”, another 75,000 of the remaining 100,000 qualified candidates will be eliminated.
After putting forward three requirements on the characteristics of the romantic partner, the number of candidates dropped significantly. In the example above, the 600,000 candidates were eventually reduced to 25,000, that is to say, 96% of the original candidates were excluded.
If you require the other party’s three attributes to be at an intermediate level (that is, at the 50% level), then out of 100 candidates, only 13 can meet your criteria. If you ask the other party’s three traits to be in the top 5% of the crowd, then the probability of you finding the right candidate is only 1 in 10,000.
Most people’s partners not only don’t have the traits they value most, they may also be mixed with other traits. Maybe you happen to be lucky enough to meet a partner with a lovely personality, but this kind of blessing is not something everyone can have.
You must think carefully and figure out what is most important in the choice of your partner.
From marriage for life to marriage for love
One of the reasons why contemporary single men and women find it difficult to find lasting love is that the idea of marrying for love has only existed for a short period of time and appeared so suddenly. Mother Nature has even a note on how to adapt to this sudden change. Or a short message was not left to us.
In the 4850 years after marriage, the rules for the mate selection contest were to marry for life. But the reason for the earth-shaking changes in the last 150 years has become marriage for love.
Without mating, a species cannot be born.
In order to avoid extinction, the following goals are thresholds that every species must cross:
Live to the age of mating.
Attract partners and give birth to offspring. To
Raise these offspring to a reproductive age.
In the thousands of years before the mid-nineteenth century, satisfying the basic food and clothing of mankind was an extremely difficult task.
For thousands of years, mankind has worked hard to find shelter, clean water, long-term food supplies, and seek safe refuge in the struggle of various forces or between predators. Because the basic conditions for survival are difficult to achieve, humans regard these basic needs as the coordinates of their marriage plans.
Before the mid-nineteenth century, the average life span of humans was less than 40 years, and only one-third of children could live to their 15th birthday. The reasons for the shorter average life expectancy include unclean drinking water, lack of food, infectious diseases, and large-scale wars.
In the early 19th century, in Western European countries, about 10% of people died of hunger before the age of 15. In addition, more than 20% of families have been undernourished for a long time, and even if children born in these families survive, they are likely to suffer from diseases such as intellectual disability and poor physical development.
Because your need in the mate selection contest is to find an object that can maximize the survival rate of the family.
In the last 150 years, due to advances in technology and medical care, the rules have changed:
1. The duration of courtship competition has increased by 83% (from 42 years to 77 years).
2. The probability of the second generation surviving to the reproductive age has more than doubled (increased from 45% to 98%).
3. Singles gradually began to choose their partners independently.
4. From a humanistic point of view, the purpose of marriage is increasingly inclined to marry for love.
The substantial increase in life expectancy and the increasing availability of resources have brought us freedom, allowing us to regard positive relationships as the primary goal of marriage.
Hundreds of studies have shown that men pay more attention to appearance in spouse selection, while women pay more attention to social status; in addition, both men and women prioritize appearance and social status in the top three of their desires.