October 20, 2020

Psychological analysis of desire to be loved

“I want to divorce you!” Xiaoying shouted.

“I’m tired, can you stop talking about divorce all day long.” Li Nan’s eyes showed fatigue.

“I used to lose my temper only to coax me, now you say you are tired, and you have not been married for a year, you really have changed.” Xiaoying choked.

“Am I usually bad to you? Just because you can’t accompany you on the trip, you just tell the divorce, who can bear it. I have already explained that this project is very important to me, and I can’t take it away from this point. Body, why can’t you always understand me?” Li Nan looked a little excited.

“You never refused me before, let alone yell at me like that. Now that I don’t understand you, do you? You don’t love me anymore! Don’t live it if you can’t stand it!” Xiaoying’s face was full of disappointment.

Why is Xiaoying sad? Is it because Li Nan doesn’t travel with her? Obviously, this matter does not talk about divorce, but for Xiaoying, she is sad that Li Nan refused her request for the first time. She compared this behavior with Li Nan’s previous performance and found that Li Nan’s The conclusion of her love changed. This conclusion is the cause of her pain. She faces a person who doesn’t love herself, and divorce is an easy decision to think of.

The two began their first cold war since they fell in love. During the period, Li Nan tried to talk to Xiaoying many times for reconciliation, but Xiaoying’s response was extremely cold.

The more Xiaoying looked at Li Nan, the more disgusted she became, thinking about how impatient he was with him and how disgusted he was. She even really thought about divorce, but she also thought it would be too radical. Thinking that there seemed to be no suitable people around to talk about this matter, she thought of psychological counseling.

The first question Xiaoying wanted to figure out was: Why did she react so strongly to Li Nan this time?

The consultant’s “theory of gains and losses” mentioned about intimacy caught her attention.

The theory of gains and losses, put forward by the social psychologist Aronson, refers to the fact that we will prefer those who like us gradually over a period of time over those who have always liked us. Compared with a person who does not like us, we will hate a person whose positive emotions towards us are gradually reduced.

Corresponding to Xiaoying’s close relationship, her husband’s long-term love and praise for her has made her accustomed to it, and it is difficult for her to feel the new touch brought by these love. On the contrary, this quarrel made Xiaoying hear her husband’s negative comments on her, and made her feel that her husband’s love for her is decreasing day by day, and this experience will make her hate her husband even higher than usual. People who have a bad relationship with themselves. We are most vulnerable to hurt the one we love, and we are also vulnerable to being hurt by those close to us.

This theory also explains from one aspect that managing a relationship is much more difficult than obtaining a new relationship. Nevertheless, not every relationship has to die out.

Aronson also found that suppressing one’s anger and negative emotions in an intimate relationship can lead to emotional stability on the surface, but fragile in reality, and it is easy to be overwhelmed by sudden changes. If you can exchange real emotions and feelings with each other, in the long run, you can get a satisfying relationship with each other.

In fact, Li Nan’s tolerance to Xiaoying has allowed him to accumulate a lot of negative emotions, and it will only happen sooner or later. Because of this kind of tolerance, Xiaoying never found her own problems in the intimate relationship.

After several consultations, the consultant inadvertently asked a sentence: “In this way, your husband actually takes care of you. How do you love your husband?”

Xiaoying was late for a while, “I think of him when I see delicious food? Shouldn’t he love me? Why should I do so much!”

Xiaoying herself felt untenable when she said this, but she really didn’t take care of her husband as her own part. She has always just hoped to get attention and love from Li Nan. Xiaoying’s face was hard, but she was actually lost in thought.

What is love? It seems that everyone will give the definition of love based on their own experience. For many people, love is always an unspeakable experience.

However, the “love triangle theory” put forward by psychologist Sternberg provides a more rational interpretation of love. He believes that the three elements of love are passion, intimacy and commitment.

Passion is a kind of intense attention, excitement and sexual arousal. The promise is loyalty. Intimacy includes mutual understanding, willingness to give, and desire to promote the happiness of the loved one.

It is difficult to maintain passion for a long time, so most good intimacy will have intimacy and commitment, which Sternberg calls “partner love.” Only by having three elements at the same time can it be called “perfect love”, which is very difficult to achieve.

But Xiaoying’s heart expected Li Nan to do so. She could not even accept Li Nan’s retreat from her passion. Rejection, even for justified reasons, was regarded by her as the Sasuke who changed Li Nan’s love for her, which was enough to make her feel lost.

On the other hand, the “soul torture” put forward by the consultant to Xiaoying made her see that she lacked the desire to actively contribute to Li Nan, and never regarded it as her obligation to promote the happiness of her husband. Don’t talk about keeping “passion”, she may be far from enough in the dimension of “intimacy”. The love between the two is more like a relationship between the exploiter of love and the exploited.

Love is to make one’s heart beautiful and present this beauty to the other person. The other person will also respond with a beautiful self, cherish each other through hardships. If you only ask for love, when the passion fades, how can the other person always think that you are still cute?

There was once an internet maddening “I wish there was someone who spoiled me lawlessly.” It was a devastating misleading of intimacy. One-way demand is not love, at best it is a kind of use.

People’s understanding of love is constantly changing throughout the life. A person has a definition, and meeting someone means a new definition. As an author and psychologist, what I can do is help people have the ability to give love and the courage to accept love.

Everyone longs to be loved. However, are you ready to give love?