October 22, 2020

Psychological research on marrying someone you don’t like

Marrying someone you don’t like is a choice in itself to be wronged. There are still many things in life. Should we continue to give in?

However, whether or not to marry someone you don’t like has always troubled young or older youths:

“One is the person I love, the other is the person who loves me, who should I choose?”

“I’m already an older young man, and I haven’t met one that makes my heart beat. Shouldn’t I find someone similar to marry me?”

“The conditions for the blind date are very good. My family has advised me to marry him, but I don’t like him, can I still get married?”

These questions almost treat “marriage” as the end of life, and it seems that as long as the marriage is concluded, the remaining problems are gone.

However, marriage is only the beginning, not the end.

In a marriage lacking love, live a life of tolerance every day
American psychologist Roland Miller believes that the key to maintaining a marriage relationship lies in how much “reward” we get from this relationship and how much “price” we paid. “Rewards” are the delightful experiences and objects we get in the relationship.

For example, when we are frustrated at work, our partner’s support and encouragement after returning home; wedding anniversary, a gift or dinner carefully prepared by our partner for us. And the “cost”, in addition to economic, the key is psychological burden. For example, feeling frustrated or irritable about the shortcomings of your partner, worrying about the future development of the relationship, and so on.

What happens if there is a lack of love in the relationship?

1. Without love, we experience criticism and blame every day

People say, “Love is blind”. Social psychologists think so too. Love makes people automatically ignore the negative situation of their partners, or use a positive perspective to explain these “negative” information. The deeper the love, the higher the idealization and praise of the lover.

If there is not enough love, then we are more likely to see the other’s shortcomings, or interpret each other’s friendly behavior from a negative perspective, which will lead to bad interaction and experience.

In a variety show, a plump woman said that her boyfriend felt that she was fat and would not want to marry her. She was in a low mood and poor mental state. She even began to deny herself and tried her best to lose weight. However, Tu Lei said: “If you don’t like someone, I can find endless reasons to dislike you.”

Without “love” as a filter, we will always see each other’s shortcomings; we may turn a blind eye to what the other party has paid for us, or even get bored. In such an emotional state, the communication between two people may be full of accusations, ridicule, or shock. How can life be happy?

Many people become less and less confident after being repeatedly criticized by the other party, and many people become more and more acrimonious as the picky party. No one has grown up because of marriage and love, marriage has really become each other’s grave.

2. Without love, loyalty in marriage and love is the frustration of life

The essence of loyalty is the willingness to maintain a relationship. Sociologist Michael Johnson divides loyalty into three types:

Personal loyalty: attracted by your partner, satisfied with the relationship, and hope to continue;

Forced loyalty: Fearing the social and economic consequences of divorce, having to maintain the relationship;

Moral loyalty: Marriage is sacred, is a life responsibility, divorce is immoral, even if you are not happy.

Obviously, a loving marriage must have an element of personal loyalty. Because the filter of “love” will make us focus on our partner and exclude others: even if there are all kinds of handsome men and beauties around, I only see you in the vast crowd. In other words, we are not easily tempted by others to destroy this relationship.

If there is not enough love, how can this relationship be maintained? Probably there are only the “last resort” who does not want to bear serious consequences and the “moral kidnapping” who fears being condemned. Spending the remaining decades in such “loyalty”, suffering from each other’s “coercion”, and looking back at this life when we are old, what happy memories do we think of?

The movie “American Beauty” portrays such a couple. For the mortgage, for their daughters, and for their good social image, they are walking corpses to maintain their empty-shell marriage remains. After finally wanting to have sex, his wife is worried that the Italian sofa worth 4,000 yuan will be soiled, causing the two sides to quarrel again.

Does the wife really put things more important than feelings? Maybe it’s just because there is not much emotion. Later, both husband and wife were attracted by the people around them and lost their marriage loyalty.

3. Without love, the “me” in the relationship cannot grow

When we fall in love, the process of getting along with our partner will bring us new experiences. With the help of a partner, we understand, discover or develop ourselves we didn’t know before, and expand new interests, skills and experiences. This is what psychologist Aron calls the “self-extension model”-love is important for promoting self-growth factor.

The movie “Popular Heart” tells the story of “heartbeat” and “growth”. The boy Bryce is deeply influenced by his family and only does what he “should do”. He is somewhat indifferent and reluctant to behave in the world. The girl Julie can be regarded as Bryce’s “redeemer”.

Under the influence of Julie, Bryce gradually clarified his inner thoughts, discovered what he believed and wanted to persist, and began to dare to point out the mistakes of others, and even see his father’s shortcomings.

Zhang Xiaoxian said: “Every love story is a self-extension story. Who are you, you will meet the same kind, or the redeemer.” Then if the relationship is “not love”, what will happen to us? May begin to doubt or even deny.

Self-depreciation in culture makes people lose their hope for a good marriage
Traditional concepts believe that marriage is a necessary stage of human life. However, the pressure that women face on the issue of marriage is much more complicated than that of men.

1. Cultural pressure: why are you still not married

Some media, film and television dramas, and public opinion seem to imply that those independent and unmarried women will not have a complete life. In addition, the media is keen to discuss how likely women of different ages and education levels are to get married, but not much about men.

Because social culture automatically believes that men have the power to make marriage decisions, which types of women can be selected, and whether to get married or not.

The woman was treated as a fish in a fish tank, waiting to be taken home by someone. ——”Heidi Sexology Report”

“Who Said I Can’t Get Married” filmed in 2020, although the protagonists seem to shout “unmarried women still live wonderfully” slogans, they eventually returned to the arms of men. Therefore, the final signal of the show is that marriage is still a measure of women’s ability and value, and that women who are married are complete.

In such a cultural context, it seems that we only know that we have to complete the task list of getting married, but we don’t have the opportunity to imagine what kind of beautiful life we ​​can create after getting married with the one we love.

2. Self-deprecation: I am not that good, it may be difficult to meet the right person

When a certain comic discussed “How miserable it is to marry someone you don’t love”, it compared a woman to a chicken rack of 10 yuan and 3 yuan, and it was a “male” who chose to buy “her”.

This analogy is extremely scary. Isn’t it the marriage decision under the “cultural pressure” mentioned above? “Female” is a valuable and selected object; and a man’s economic strength determines what kind of goods he can “buy”. So “she” began to self-doubt and self-deprecating, feeling that she was inferior to the “loin” next door, and no one would like it. This cultural factor hides in the subconsciousness of some people.

The outside world is filled with too many voices, demanding them harshly because of their gender roles. As a result, many women become more anxious as they get older, and at the same time they lower their self-worth, feel that they are “unworthy” to find a better partner, or “if I am single, it must be that I am not good enough.” This also appeared at the beginning of the article, my friend Xiaoqin’s parents remarks.

But in fact, according to the research of Professor Wu Yaowu of the Institute of Population and Labor Economics of the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences, the delayed marriage of women with high education background is due to the influence of education time on the one hand, and the desire to find a suitable potential spouse on the other. “Not getting married” is also the result of self-selection; the really disadvantaged groups are men with low education in rural areas.

I felt “unworthy” and lost my hope for a happy marriage.

Learn to define yourself and regain the confidence and freedom of marriage and love
Sheryl Sandberg, chief operating officer of Facebook, believes that there are many obstacles outside that affect women’s better development, but the inherent obstacles of women cannot be ignored. This “internal barrier” is self-deprecation.

This sentence also applies to marriage and love. Of course, social and cultural pressures will cause women to devalue themselves and choose to marry someone they don’t like in the distorted expectation of marriage.

Only by breaking the “internal barriers” and enhancing the sense of self-worth can you truly meet your favorite partner.

1. Be wary of unreasonable pressure imposed by culture

First look at why you have the option of “marry someone you don’t like”, and find out the reasons that urge you to make this choice. For example, “I’m about the same age, it’s time to get married”, “If I don’t get married, I might not find anyone to marry” and so on. Then set the above reasons as the topic of debate, write down the opposing opinions, and cite examples.

In the process of debating with ourselves, we may find that many times our choices are influenced by surrounding social evaluations, which are cultural pressures.

2. Develop your own abilities and advantages

Self-depreciation often stems from the fact that we always feel that we are not good enough, so we can try to list the strengths and abilities we have, and give specific examples of this strength.

Moreover, this advantage and ability is best to be the inner beauty. After all, the outer beauty is always easy to pass away. We don’t want our future partners to just look at the appearance, and we don’t want to experience the anxiety of aging in the future. Ask a friend for help if necessary.

3. Write down expectations for marriage

After marriage is the beginning of life. In the past, some literary books, media, film and television dramas always said pessimistically that the world after marriage is full of firewood, rice and oil. Maybe our parents, influenced by the culture of their time, also showed us that kind of marriage.

But don’t we who live in the new era have better expectations for marriage? We can look at how those happy partners live after marriage and find relevant examples to expand our reasonable imagination.

4. Find supporting companions

There are still many people in this world who are different from the choices we make. Perhaps they are in a culture that supports their choices, or because they have the ability to recognize cultural pressures.

Therefore, it is too difficult to fight alone. We need to learn to build our own social support system, find some friends who encourage and support ourselves, and talk to them often. With friends who are positive and affirmative, we will discover our own value more quickly and change our self-deprecating mentality from “I am not worthy” to “I am worthy.” To

The above measures mainly hope that everyone can make better marriage decisions by enhancing their sense of worth and breaking down internal barriers. Life will love us only if we love ourselves first. I wish everyone who enters into a marriage a better growth.